I have mixed feelings about remembering that day 10 years ago. Partly because it was Hannah’s 4th birthday and partly because I think I’m still traumatized. I wish Hannah didn’t have to share her birthday with that madness.

I have avoided talking a lot about 9/11 with the kids over the years. It’s impossible to explain it in a way that doesn’t scare them. It’s difficult to convey the magnitude of the events without showing them a video and quite frankly, I can’t watch. The same panic begins to surface when I think about the clear blue skies, the calm of that morning and how it changed in an instant into chaos.

I remember feeling that life as I knew it was over. Like everyone else, I felt like planes were falling out of the sky and they were. When Flight 93 went down in Somerset, I called Mark to come home.

I called all of my family members just to hear their voices and to make sure they were all o.k. I was on the phone with my brother when the towers collapsed. That’s something I wish I hadn’t seen live. A friend in New York City was unreachable for hours but we finally got word that she and her husband were alive. She had almost reached her office not far from the towers when the first plane hit and she turned around to go home. It took her hours to walk back since transportation was shut down. She was pregnant but miscarried not long afterward. All this while little Hannah was happy as a lark because we would have cake and presents that night.

I avoided malls for nearly a year. I was too anxious to allow Mark to go to a conference in Florida the following January. Not only was I worried about him flying, I worried about being home alone with the kids if terrorists attacked our town. Do you remember that school in Russia not long after 9/11? I know I’m not alone in my reaction, I’m just explaining why I feel badly that I’m not up to revisiting it. I do want to honor the people who died senselessly, I’m just not capable of doing so publicly. I will fly my flag and answer as many questions about that day as the kids have but I won’t be chatting about it with my friends. I hated that day. So, tomorrow, I will pray for the repose of the souls of all those lost on September 11, 2001, I’ll pray for the families and everyone affected personally, I’ll pray for peace and then I’ll come home from Mass and celebrate Hannah.