I think the topic of staying home with the kids is broad and in this post, by way of introduction, I’ll tell you how I got here.

I always wanted to be a lawyer. From the time I was in 8th grade. I remember so clearly the day I decided. I was mowing a lawn-a job I inherited from my older brother. He got paid $25 bucks a week to mow the lawn at a small insurance agency which was basically a triangle patch of grass in front of a building. It was easy. I guess I did a pretty decent job because the owner of the insurance agency, a friend of my dad’s, sent me over to his house a few blocks away. I rolled the mower over there, saw his wife sunning herself in the back yard and told her I was there to cut the grass. So there I was cutting this guy’s grass and I think his wife was sort of just stunned by the picture-a 13 year old girl mowing the lawn. She asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I never really thought about it before but I blurted out “be a lawyer”. My mom, who was raising 5 kids basically on her own with the help of public assistance, always warned me never to depend on my husband’s salary-that I should choose a profession and she didn’t think teachers or nurses were treated or paid well enough. So that day, I decided I was going to be a lawyer.

I did go to law school. I got married the same summer I graduated. I clerked for a federal judge for 2 years, got a job at a big law firm downtown and pretty much planned to have 3 or 4 kids and put them all in day care. I’m so embarrassed by a conversation I had with my in-laws on this topic. When asked whether I planned to stay home with the kids if we ever had them, I think I said…verbatim..”I didn’t spend 3 years in law school to stay home all day with kids.” YUK! It makes me gag to think I was so condescending to my mother-in-law who spent her life making a home for her family.

What happened between then and now? I think I am lucky* that when I got pregnant, I despised the stress of litigation and the pressure to work long hours at the big firm. I was horrible at capturing my time for billing but that’s a separate post.  I also feel lucky that my firm didn’t  start my salary commensurate with my peers but paid me the same as the first-years. I actually took a pay cut which isn’t typical for a federal clerk going to a big firm. But I liked this firm better than the other big ones. I got pregnant almost 2 years into this job and was ready for a change. At first, I was so happy just at the prospect of having a maternity leave. (Yay! paid time off work-I should get pregnant more often!). But then I started to dread getting a whole other person ready for the day. The stress of working and taking care of another person. I always noticed the moms on the bus in the morning, their sleepy babies and toddlers in-tow along with strollers and diaper bags. I was also getting to know some of the moms at the firm and I never got the impression that they were doing both jobs well. Still, by this time, I wasn’t thinking of my heart being broken leaving the baby. I knew I’d love my baby, I just didn’t anticipate falling in love with her and wanting to be with her all the time. I was a decent aunt and always a responsible babysitter, but I so didn’t anticipate considering the heart of a baby or my heart after having one. In case you can’t tell, I’m pretty matter-of-fact. It sounds wierd but I wasn’t a parent yet-how could I really know?

I cringe to think where I’d be had I gotten the salary I wanted and the pay-raise. We definitely would have bought a more expensive house and it would have been much harder to walk away from the money.  When I gave my 2 weeks’ notice, the partners at the firm were kind of stunned and were willing to accommodate my schedule and salary demands. They offered flex schedule, part-time, work-from-home, a raise, blah-blah-blah. It was tempting, but I had accepted a position working 2 days a week for a sole practitioner 5 minutes from home, making almost no money. (By the way, I highly recommend working 2 days a week-I think everybody should). By then, it was a lifestyle decision.  And it really worked for us, Mark could be home on the days I went to work. But I still wasn’t a mom yet. I had no idea how grateful I’d be for that choice. Looking back, it was one of the most difficult choices I ever made but I had such peace when I turned down the big firm. Mark was so supportive and great about it all. If he panicked about cutting our income in half, he didn’t show it. He always wanted me to stay home because his mom did and he just thought that’s what moms should do. My mom couldn’t stay home and while things definitely got a little wild with 4 boys in the house, it’s what I knew and I turned out o.k. When my 3rd baby was born, I left my part-time job to be home full-time and I’ve never looked back.

I’m so grateful to know what I’m NOT missing. I remember one day after I had my 4th baby, I put all the kids down for a nap (they were all under 5) and my then-2-year old asked if I could lay with her. The sun was streaming in through the windows, it was quiet and I loved being able to say “yes”. In that moment, I was so grateful, to not have to rush to a meeting or return a phone call or finish a brief or whatever. My time was really my own and I could say “yes”. I have lots of those moments. I’ll look at the clock and think what I’d be doing if I still worked and there isn’t one part of me that misses it.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of days when I think I have too much to do to take time to snuggle or listen to a dream or really just be present. But more often than not, I’m able to enjoy just being here with them. Being in the present is an exercise that even the most disciplined spiritual leaders have to practice so, I practice, too.

So, that’s my boring story. One day, I’ll write about the obnoxious things people have said to me referring to my choice or in defense of their reasons for going to work. Things like, “I think it’s important to stimulate your brain with real work so it doesn’t turn to mush” as I’m nodding my head with a stunned look on my face unable to form words because I can’t believe what this person has just said to me. But that’s another story.

*As a footnote I should mention that I don’t believe in “luck”. I believe the events leading up to my decision to stay home was part of God’s plan for me. Yep, I’m one of those.