Category Archives: Family and Friends

COVID Blogging

Leave a reply

I don't read blogs much anymore so I haven't been inspired to blog myself.

The idea of creating a record of this weird time does interest me. 

It's been 8 weeks since PA started to close down.

Mark's last day of school was March 13. I kept him home the day before because I knew it was imminent and I thought it was ridiculous that schools were still open.

Kate got out of Europe just in time for a relatively smooth experience through airports. She had decided the day of Trump's press conference to come home and booked a flight hours before he made the announcement. Her flight arrived in Pittsburgh about 8pm on March 12. She avoided delays, crowds and bottlenecks at customs. She self-quarantined for 2 weeks but by the time she was out, everyone else was quarantined.

Luke spent most of that week in Florida training and hoping to play a couple of matches which were canceled. Then he spent a stupid night in Cleveland partying with his teammates and arrived here Sunday afternoon with three of his teammates. Two of the teammates left later that afternoon with rumors of a national lockdown. The other left the next day.

Hannah's company moved their equipment out of the co-work space the same week.

Big Mark's club closed about the same time that schools closed. He was offered 30 hours a week at half pay for about 2 weeks doing odd jobs inside the club until the 3rd week in May then he went on unemployment.

Things were crazy that first couple of weeks. Things were closing, people were hoarding toilet paper. You had no idea if we were going to experience death tolls like China, Italy and Spain. It was freaky and the month of March 2020 felt like a decade.

April wasn't quite as chaotic but then time became irrelevant. Anchored by food and trips to the grocery store. 

Every day felt like Groundhog Day. The same over and over. There was nowhere to go. There was nothing to do. Some people got busy on house projects.

I can't work with people underfoot. I made some masks and was happy for the distraction and the reason to hide out in the basement.

A lot of PokerHoops happened as Ron figured out a way to deal via video conference. (Fucking technology!)

We had a couple of family Zoom meet ups. For the most part, though, everything continues to be the same.

Kate turned 20. Mark will "graduate" in a couple of weeks. Things are supposed to loosen up with restrictions tomorrow.

I intend to buy some rum and brandy (for Sangria).

We're hoping to go to the cabin with the kids on Saturday. We need a change of scenery.

​

​

Another Thing I Suck At

Leave a reply

Birthdays.

My own and other people’s.

I don’t like the attention, opening gifts, getting gifts. My main goal on my birthday is not to have to pick up after anyone, cook, do the dishes or referee any arguments. Which, as the kids get older is easier to achieve.

Gifts are not my love language. At all!

Acts of service light me up. Not giant ones. Take out the trash without being asked. Put away the groceries (although I definitely won’t be grocery shopping on my birthday), put away your laundry, pick up your socks.

I’m also not a dessert person so if you pick up donuts in the morning or a cake for after dinner, I know it’s for you. 😉

I don’t mind getting older, a “happy birthday” or a drink with friends or a meal out. I’m not a total weirdo.

I love the kids’ birthdays only because I think about them all day and I like to think that they feel special on that day but I am terrible at gifts so I just ask them what they want or need. Since I’m not a gifter throughout the year, I really don’t care how much what they want or need costs.

Mark, God bless him, sometimes shows up with a bag of junk or a cool something-or-other that they usually love-but I cannot do that so I just don’t try.

I’m Not That Parent

Leave a reply

I remember a conversation Mark and I had about how so many of the parents of the kids he teaches have really high standards for their kids academically, athletically and in general as in those kids are going to be surgeons, CEOs or software engineers (or all three and more).

The conversation was going down the road of us having higher standards for our kids but I didn’t agree. How can I demand more from my kids than I did for myself?

I never strived for perfection or the highest or the best in any area, I’m just not wired that way. Mark has the highest standards for knowing and teaching tennis but not for other things.

“Good enough” is kind of our standard for almost every other area. Sometimes I wish I were different but I’m not.

The parents to which Mark was referring are surgeons and CEOs and software engineers (or all three and more). I would be unnatural for us to demand excellence of our children in anything but kindness and consideration of others.

Motivation, in my opinion, is innate. A person has to figure out for himself what lights him up. If one of the kids wants to be the best at something, they’ll work towards that distinction to his satisfaction.

External rewards (in this case, our approval) work temporarily but studies show that they are short-lived. When the reward is no longer attached to the desired outcome, the desired outcome decreases or disappears. That makes sense to me.

I’m proud of the people my kids are growing into but I’m more happy for them that they’re figuring out what lights them up and having fun with success in those endeavors. They know that they’ll make mistakes or have to change plans but that’s fine, too.

P.S. I admire parents who have enjoyed excellence from their own efforts and inspire (maybe demand) the same in their own children. Different isn’t better or worse, just something I think about and tried to put into words here.

A Definition of Success

Leave a reply

My definition of success has evolved as I have navigated life but watching the kids launch has refined it even more.

Me as a kid: “Success = a good job (lots of money)”.

Me with a good but stressful job: “Success = freedom”.

Me home with the kids after quitting my good job: “Success = raising successful kids”.

Me as the kids have become more independent: “Success = freedom + learning new stuff (growth)”.

Me as a caregiver: “Success = not dropping too many balls”.

Me with a part-time legal gig, projects and properties to manage, parents to help, a healthy husband (walking on two legs) who loves what he does and kids who are doing all different things but seem to be moving forward thoughtfully: “Success = freedom + growth + fun”.

 

Photo of Phillips kids on the award podium at Hershey Racquet Club

Let’s Talk About Parent Attendance Awards

Leave a reply

A friend recently posted this article on her timeline: “Why Parents Should Go To All Their Kids’ Games“. (this SEO-friendly title is different than the actual title of the article but let’s pretend because I do think there’s a societal expectation that puts parents in the seats or in the concession stand for every competition, performance, etc.)

I don’t have any judgment about parents who make this a priority. I just don’t agree with the premise.

Attending every game doesn’t make you a great parent. Not attending every game doesn’t make you a bad parent.

I have a problem with “should” and “all”.

I could start listing all the reasons why I disagree…..

“What about families with multiple children in multiple activities?”, etc. …..

I don’t think a person should feel the need to have reasons not to attend.

Go if you want. Don’t go if you don’t want. It’s all good. Your kid will be fine. I promise.

When Your Kid Gets Recognized

Leave a reply

Someone who isn’t yet but plans to be a parent asked me if I had any parenting tips .

The initial context was general (something along the lines of “your kids seemed to have turned out well”) and then was specific (“________________ is awesome”)*.

When the question was broad, I couldn’t answer. It depends on the topic and age of the kid (sleeping, discipline, helping out, getting along, reading, driving, snoozing, working). The question was sort of impossible to answer without context.

When he attempted to narrow the question and said (“_____________ is awesome”), the answer was easy.

“I don’t take credit for their accomplishments or blame for their mistakes“.**

It’s not always easy but I really try not to.

* Someone has said this about each of the kids at different times for different reasons so it’s totally appropriate not to single one out because it doesn’t matter who it is or the circumstances, I still stick by my answer.

** This doesn’t apply to neglect, abuse, extreme indulgence, or other kinds of parenting polarity.

All Saints Day

Leave a reply
All Saints

St. Zita, Bl. Luke the Contrary, St. George, St Ursula (All Saints Day, 2006)

It’s impossible for me to celebrate All Saints Day without a deep sense of gratitude to my aunt Linda whose faith informed my own.

She introduced me to Mary in a way that made her seem motherly, approachable and real rather than holy and separate from us. I’ll always be grateful for that.

My aunt always had books on her shelf about certain favorite saints and the classic “Butler’s Lives of the Saints“. She also sent the kids books and cartoon videos about saints for Christmas and birthdays.

She loved hearing about how the kids celebrated feast days.

The kids were in charge of planning and preparing lunch (sometimes dinner-woot woot) on feast days.

Not gonna lie, the “feasts” looked a lot like “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving”. Popcorn, toast or cheese sandwiches and Kraft macaroni and cheese when they got older (there was a lot of cheese going on). Just about anything they could handle on their own.

Thinking about it, there were probably just a couple of things on the table but back then, it seemed to take hours and looked like a real party on the kitchen table and everyone dug in like it was the last supper (pun intended). They used the good dishes because they were special occassions.

To all the Saints whose intercession I implored over the years….Thank you! For any new Saints in heaven (wink, wink) Pray for us! We love you!

Hannah new apartment

Update on Hannah’s Apartment Hunt

1 Reply

Remember when I was comparing the cost of room and board for college to Hannah’s apartment search? I knew Hannah was anxious to find a place and thought it might happen by end of summer.

She signed a lease May 1!

It happened SO FAST, I honestly didn’t know what hit me. But it’s all good.

Neither of us expected Hannah to end up in our home town but the apartment is charming and affordable (relatively speaking) and she has the loveliest, grand-parenty landlords. Her neighbors aren’t scary and she feels safe.

As you can tell by the photos, it exceeds her # 1 priority…..LOTS OF LIGHT! Even when it’s overcast outside or on hot days when she has to close the blinds so she’s not poached in there, that apartment is BRIGHT!

Hannah studio

Although Hannah was more anxious to move out than get her own vehicle, her work takes her all over the region and she was saving for a car. When my mom offered to give her an old one that she was trying to sell, it just moved the whole apartment thing to the front burner.

We gave Hannah a budget to help her buy some basics. She wasn’t expecting it and trust me, it’s a fraction of what we’ll end up spending out of pocket for Luke to attend Cleveland State in the first year, alone. The other thing we’re helping her with is the cell phone. It’s $10/month to keep her on our plan vs. getting her own plan starting at $80/month.

She’ll start paying for her own car insurance once she gets settled and organized. I think we added her beater to our policy (while she still lived here) for about $240/year. Not sure what she’ll pay on her own but we’ll do that in a month or two. I’ve easily spent more than that on deposits and enrollment fees already for Luke.

Otherwise, she is on her own and feels great about it. She’ll pay her own rent, utilities (electric, gas and internet). I haven’t bought groceries or toiletries, supplies or anything. I only mention it because I bumped into one of her classmates from high school who just finished her freshman year at an out-of-state college. The girl’s mom was buying her two carts full of groceries and supplies for an apartment she sub-letted for the summer. Not judging, just comparing.

I think there’s a mindset of dependence and continued parental responsibility when kids are in college that most people (society) just accepts. I’m sure I’ll be guilty of indulging Luke while he’s in school. We already have indulged his pursuit of tennis relative to the resources we’ve spent (time, energy and money) on anyone else.

It will be interesting to see the difference as Hannah pursues her career while Luke pursues a degree. This post doesn’t get into what people might think of her path compared to Luke’s more traditional one. I wonder whether it will even be an issue four years from now.

Celebrating Holidays When You’re Wiped Out

easy holiday preparation

Spaghetti Wednesday  is our favorite holiday around here. Mark was finally walking without crutches. It’s the first year since 2014 that I wasn’t also taking care of my aunt so I was happy to host the dinner for the 21st year in a row.

It was a late night and then a low-key, us-only Thanksgiving but I was wiped out. No doubt, the four previous months of intense caregiving contributed to my fatigue but I honestly didn’t expect it.

The question is: how to prepare for Christmas? It’s easy for me during Advent to prepare spiritually. I have no trouble slowing down and putting off the rush and crush, but when everyone around you expects holiday activity, it’s a little overwhelming.

I stopped sending cards a few years ago. It was getting to be a chore that I no longer enjoyed. The kids got ornery about posing for photos. It’s difficult to genuinely send “best wishes, peace and joy” when you’re resentful (never of the people, just the activity). So I don’t. I still think about and pray for people. I give others credit for continuing to send us cards. I still enjoy seeing the photos every year.

I love christmas lights in the house but Mark always takes care of the lights outside. The sweetest neighbor offered to help with that but we declined the offer. Mark was able to do most of his usual light hanging. My brother went up the ladder to hang the big wreath on the side of the house.

To be honest, Mark welcomed the non-strenuous activity, the weather was pretty mild and he finished everything outside in a couple of hours over two days.

Inside, I’ve just been taking my time and getting one project/area out at a time. I have the time and have enjoyed doing it at a leisurely pace. Little Mark is elf-like. I have referred to him as joy boy, which is still true. He’s always up for holly and jolly. I find myself waiting until he’s home for certain tasks just because they’re more fun with his help.

So, my advice for facing the holidays when you’re tired or overwhelmed is to abbreviate and get out one thing at a time. You’ll probably realize that a little bit of glow is enough.

Remembering True Honor and Courage after Election 2016

WWII Veteran Walter J. Phillips

1st Lt. Walter J. Phillips

Mark and I have referred to Walt’s experience of surviving a plane crash during WWII many times these past 3 months as Mark has recovered from his injury.

In some ways, it’s helped Mark to remember his dad’s courage and the extreme conditions in the first 24 hours after the crash (before the morphine).

Remember a hero today.