Caring for My Aunt~An Update

It’s been over a year since my aunt came to live with my family. It’s taken nearly that long for her body to adjust to the change.

Although I expected her health to improve once it looked like she would survive the whole ordeal, I didn’t expect her to get as healthy as she is. She was extremely weak, confused and recovering from multiple infections, dehydration and years of sleep deprivation, malnutrition and mismanaging her medications.

There are a few factors that I believe have contributed to her overall wellness. In no particular order, I’ll list them below:

1. Adequate Sleep

None of us realized until we slept with a monitor overnight (in case she calls) just how often my aunt woke up to go to the bathroom during the night (4-5 times). I think she was more worried about having an accident than she was likely to.

When she lived on her own, she was physically incapable of changing her bed linens and I believe she got herself up a few times a night as a precaution.

Her habit was to go to bed at 9:30 pm after she took her pills and wake up in time for Mass on EWTN at 8 am. We continued that when she came for the sake of continuity and routine but a better schedule has evolved.

Last summer, we didn’t think it was unusual that she fell asleep in her chair throughout the day even if people were visiting. She did that before she came all the time. Now I know why.

We figured out together that my aunt prefers to get ready for her day after Mass (9 am) because she can watch it from bed. Most mornings, she sleeps through it.

Her caregivers come at 7:30 every night to help her get ready for bed rather than 9pm. Sometimes she falls asleep as early as 8:30 and often sleeps through the night (thank you, Jesus!). Like I said, this schedule has evolved through discovery. An outsider might think that she spends too much time in bed, but I know it’s been beneficial to her and to the whole situation.

There’s tons of research about the restorative benefits of sleep and I agree that it’s had a healing effect on my aunt. Unfortunately, her short-term memory hasn’t improved but because she’s rested, she doesn’t fall asleep during waking hours anymore so her interaction and engagement with people who come to visit has improved.

2. Elevating her feet

After a scary bout of swelling, leg ulcers and cellulitis last summer, her doctor recommended elevating her feet for 2 hours a day. Since the only way to do that is for her to get on her bed, she does that every afternoon. Sometimes she falls asleep but usually she just watches EWTN or prays the Rosary.

This practice really has prevented recurrence of any of the conditions that led to it, gives us both a much-needed respite and adds an anchor to her routine.

3. Nutrition

My aunt’s diet for the couple of years before she came here was a piece of cottage cheese toast twice a day with her medicines, a big glass of V-8 mixed with a gross amount of fiber powder twice a day and whatever her best friend could prepare for the two of them in her own compromised state of health and immobility.

Now that she’s here, my aunt eats about a cup of cereal with almond milk every day for breakfast and a cup of coffee. For lunch she enjoys a sandwich and a pickle. I say “enjoys” because she prefers not to deviate. She loves that sandwich. She likes a few peanut butter crackers when she gets up from her rest then has a regular dinner with the family which almost always includes a protein, a vegetable and a full salad.

My aunt has lost nearly 60 pounds on this casual but healthy plan since she came. She moves so much better, no longer suffers from chronic hip pain, does not struggle to walk or stand from a chair and is able to get in and out of bed without gasping for breath and getting winded.

I know first-hand this diet is so much better than the institutional foods she was eating in the nursing home. The food was gross (loaded with carbs, sodium and sauces) and they almost always offer a dessert (who could resist?) and soft drinks at every meal-yes, even breakfast.

4. Fresh air and sunshine nearly every day

My aunt NEVER went outside before she came to live with us. She preferred the comfort of air conditioning and she was terrified to fall.

I didn’t imagine that she would want to go on the porch but it turns out she spends the better part of her days there when the weather cooperates.

It’s a great part of her normal routine and gives all of us a little more room to spread out. Our house is small as it is for a family of 7 (including my aunt). Extra livable square footage is great. The porch is shaded but open so she can watch what’s going on in the neighborhood and in the back yard when the kids have friends over. It connects her to the outside world. That’s been a great thing.

5. Regular human touch and interaction

It’s not uncommon for older adults to become isolated and lonely. Despite efforts from her closest friends, when my aunt quit going to daily mass and became increasingly housebound due to her fear of falling, she was alone most of the time.

She didn’t seem discontent but she was becoming more desperate for visitors. As much for the help as for the company.

She requires care and assistance for all of her personal needs. The normal interaction during that process by people who she knows and physical touch has to contribute to her health.

According to some alarming research, social isolation is as deadly as smoking and about twice as risky to seniors as obesity. Studies show that loneliness impairs immune function and boosts inflammation. SCARY, isn’t it?

6. Prescription Management

Thinking back to the times that I would visit my aunt, I suspect that she was over-medicating by as much as 2X the prescribed dosage.

When she sorted her pills in the morning, she put her evening pills in a little tin. Then evening would come and out came the bag of medicine bottles again and she’d prepare her evening pills and put her morning pills in the little tin.

Wait a minute-didn’t she do that in the morning? Didn’t she already prepare he evening dose? Yes and Yes.

Now that I’m managing her prescriptions, it’s not unusual for her to ask whether she took her pills and she doesn’t believe me sometimes when I tell her she did. Her short-term memory doesn’t work.

The statistics for prescription mismanagement in the elderly are startling. According to the CDC, there are nearly 700,000 ER visits each year for adverse drug events in patients over 65. An estimated 23% of nursing home admissions are due to the senior’s inability to manage their prescriptions on their own (Pillpack.com anyone?).

No question my aunt would rather be living the life she remembers….active in the church, instructing adults in the faith, visiting shut-ins, helping the Daughters of Charity with their administrative work and playing the piano every week at a local restaurant near her former home. But since she can’t do those things any longer, we’re trying to keep her safe, secure, happy and healthy here.

Junior Tennis-Growing Up

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I had the opportunity to travel with Luke to a big tournament a few weeks ago. It was the USTA section championship for his age group. He won the singles and doubles titles, either of which would have been great. Coming home with both titles was beyond his expectations but not beyond what he knew he was capable of.

Interestingly, this tournament means more in terms of ranking and his future in tennis than placing third in the state high school tournament. But he definitely got more notoriety in the neighborhood and in the press for the high school tournament. Funny.

I love to watch Luke play anytime but it was especially enjoyable because he was so consistent and confident in this tournament. He was focused on each match and what he had to do. I noticed that nearly every opponent was frustrated that Luke was just making great shots. They would just say to themselves out loud “what am I supposed to do against that?!” Which was kind of fun.

As the boys are getting older, they actually give credit to great play rather than beating themselves up for not winning every point. That’s what I mean by the title of this post (“Junior Tennis-Growing Up”)

Luke played the final against one of his best friends who lives on the other side of the state. For all my complaints about the elitist nature and inaccessibility of junior tennis at this level, one thing I love about it is the good friends he’s making. Social media and texting keep them connected between tournaments.

His opponent has been mowing down the competition and winning most matches easily in the past few months (including placing second in the state high school tournament) so Luke was looking forward to a shot at him. He knew he had to play well with limited mistakes and he was able to do that.

Luke squeeked out the first set in a tie-breaker (9-7), was down 1-2 in the second when they had to stop for rain. Then came out guns-ablazing after the delay to win 6-3.

People ask if I get nervous and I really don’t. I’m so happy for him that he won the tournament but truly it was such a good match that either one of them could have walked away with the trophy and I would have been proud of both of them. As in, “thanks for the entertainment.”

I discovered that I would rather watch Luke play a harder opponent than one that he can beat easier who puts on a show (drama, questionable line calls, beats himself up after every mistake). Even if Luke’s winning handily, I never enjoy watching those kids play.

The other thing I don’t enjoy is watching kids tank and it happens in tennis more than almost every other sport except golf (Norman/Faldo anybody?). Even when it’s in Luke’s favor, ugh. Don’t like seeing it.

So, congratulations to Luke and Michael. I really mean it.

Full disclosure, Luke played in the B18 L3 the following weekend and did about as well as he expected. Actually, he would have liked to have won a competitive match against another friend (and arch nemesis since they were little) but I think he was pooped from the previous weekend.

Happy Mother’s Day

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I was thinking of all the things I could write about all the moms who have raised me and all the wonderful moms I know but this was way better.

Watch it, you won’t be sorry.

Happy Mother’s Day!

[tweetthis]”Moms are the BEST!”[/tweetthis]

How a Mammogram Made my Day…It’s not what you think.

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Source: Abdulsalam Haykal on Flickr

I went to a mammogram appointment this week and had the sweetest experience…(NOT THE MAMMOGRAM). The fact that it was a mammogram is only important as it relates to what I noticed about a couple who came in at about the same time as I did.

An older couple parked at the same time as me and we ended up in the same office. The woman was using a walker but seemed too young to be using it. Also, she seemed pretty steady on her feet. Maybe early seventies. Her husband looked a little older. Both of them were smartly dressed. She moved so well with the walker that I was thinking maybe she was recovering from an accident.

They checked in (he did the talking) and the man directed his wife to a waiting room chair. He told her he would be waiting out in the lobby just outside the suite. She was fine with that. Before he left he quietly conferred with the receptionist and she assured him that she would “remind the technicians”. Within a minute or so, the man came back in and sat next to his wife and told her he decided he’d rather wait with her. “Thank you very much,” she said.

Next the man pulled out the magazine section of the paper and handed it to her because he thought she would enjoy it. “Thank you”, she replied to his thoughtful gesture.

In the next area where you change and wait again, (why it made sense to disclose that we were there for mammograms) the attendant showed the woman to a changing stall then quickly adjusted her strategy and said the technician would help her with the robe.

I could be wrong but my brief observation of this couple indicated that the woman suffered from some form of dementia and the husband was her caregiver, protector and advocate. He was so patient, sweet and thoughtful of her needs. The measures he took to inform the staff discreetly that she required extra assistance seemed so loving and tender as though his primary concern was preserving her dignity.

Not only was it touching, it made me think of Mark (my husband). He’s always as kind and gentle with me as the man was with his wife (though, often I don’t deserve it). Should I require care in our older years, I have no doubt that Mark will be as patient as the man was with his wife.

Thinking of that made me smile out loud.

Getting Old and Getting Glasses

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…or WHY IS MY COMPUTER SHAPED LIKE A RHOMBUS?

I’ve known for a while (3 years) that I could benefit from some sort of corrective eye wear. Night time driving is sort of tricky and I try not to drive to unfamiliar places at night, especially if it’s rainy.

I’m a little young to be making conscious choices like that (kind of like when 80 year old drivers avoid making left turns) so, it was time to bite the bullet and get the eyes checked.

I figured I would need glasses for nighttime driving and for my convenience when I want to see things clearly far away. I read every night with no problem seeing the words on the page.

I didn’t expect the guy to tell me I needed glasses from the minute I wake up to the time I go to bed. Bifocals. What?!?

Once he showed me how clear the world can be, I was anxious to get them.

When I first put them on, I wanted to cry. The room was swirly like being in a funhouse with mirrors. The optician assured me that was normal. Huh? Although that sensation went away pretty quickly, I still felt like I was viewing the world through somebody else’s head.

When I walk, I feel 10 feet tall and as if I’m going to fall off the floor.

I’m not too impressed. I think they’re the right lenses. I don’t think they made a mistake. This business of having to tilt my head just so to see clearly is bizarre. Plus, when I look at my laptop or desktop, they are shaped like rhombuses. It’s true.

Everyone says I’ll get used to it but that’s nuts! It feels like there’s a spot about the size of my pupil through which I can see clearly at any given angle.

I’m thinking there hasn’t been much improvement in optics since Ben Franklin invented the bifocal.

How can Google invent glasses that lets you get on the internet but there aren’t glasses that allow me to see everything in my viewing area clearly without looking like a confused puppy?

That’s my rant.

Oh yeah, I have cataracts, too. Nothing like bifocals and cataracts to make you feel 70!

My Word for 2015

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Realizing I’m late to the party, here. I think I may have been exhausted from my 2014 Word but I was mulling over a few choices for 2015. I don’t even remember what I was considering but the one that kept feeling right was……

“intention”

That’s a word/practice/concept that I totally can apply right now to EVERYTHING I do.

I’ve been kicking the tires with “intention” this past month and I think I’ll keep it for the year.

Applying intention to my words, my time, my closets, my routine, the company I keep, my reactions, my projects, my purchases, my purges, my mindset, every single choice I make is such a valuable habit and so far has served me well.

I’ll try to give good examples of how it’s making a difference in the day-to-day and ultimately, the year.

Do you choose a word for the year? I’d love to hear what it is and how the practice has helped (or not) you.

Reflecting on My “Word” of 2014

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A couple of times throughout the year, I’ve thought about the “word” I chose for 2014 but now that it’s December and I look back to the impact of focusing on this particular concept, it’s hard for me to believe. I have to admit that, at times, I have felt like a pawn on a chess board but more often, I facilitated, initiated or went along with all the changes during the past year, so I really can’t complain.

At the beginning of the year, I chose “MOVE” as my word for a few reasons; 1) I needed to make our 1800 sq. foot house more functional for our family of 6; 2) I needed to start moving physically (and I did for a while); 3) I had a desire to get back to writing; 4) I wanted to move money and make progress in the budgeting and planning department of our lives and 5) I wanted to plan meals and eat healthier.

The year began with some remodeling with the help of a local contractor and by February, Mark and I were sleeping in what used to be our living room. Hannah and Kate each had their own rooms and our dining room became our new family room.

Most of our family had “moved” within our house and we were enjoying it. What felt like extra space was really just a more efficient use of the space we had.

Less than 2 months later, my aunt had a minor fall and overall had been declining rapidly both physically and mentally. My mom decided it was time to bring her home to Pittsburgh (either to her apartment or to a nursing home). I offered our newish first floor bedroom and we MOVED my aunt in.

When I envisioned the changes within our home, I had no idea that we would make room for a new family member. My aunt hasn’t lived in this city since she left to teach over 50 years ago. I always just assumed she would die in place or go to a nursing home (near her home) when the time came.

I don’t think this practice of choosing a word is magical or anything. For me it’s more effective than goal-setting or making resolutions (which everyone knows are useless) because it’s simple. It’s so much easier to focus on applying one principle to many areas of my life than to haphazardly attack a variety of goals.

This word was effective for me because when I felt overwhelmed by a task or something I wanted to do, I just thought about moving forward with baby steps.

If clearing out a whole room seemed too daunting, I just filled a box at a time and moved it out. If words didn’t seem to come, I just wrote a few. Just kept the cursor moving. If I was fearful of making a big financial decision, I just moved a smaller chunk of money.

Aside from my aunt’s status, almost all of the kids “moved” from homeschooling into a brick-and-mortar school during the course of the year. Big change, that! Luke’s still at home plugging away at his cyber school because it allows him to train for tennis as much as he needs to.

Many years I’ve been nostalgic or reluctant to choose a new word because I felt there was more work to do with the old one. Not this year. I’m ready for some stability and ready to move on to a new focus? See, I can’t get away from the word!

I still haven’t chosen my word for 2015. It may take me a few weeks but when I do, I’ll share it. I find other people’s “word” posts inspiring. Plus, I usually need the accountability.

Do you choose a word for the year?

Gift Guide For Seniors-Ladies Edition*

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I’m painfully practical and would be the first to discourage anyone from giving stuff to people who don’t need it.

Since taking care of my aunt, however, I realize that she loves to receive cards, letters and gifts. I’m sure her joy is derived from being remembered more than the physical object. She’s been a giver all of her life.

So who am I to limit potential joy-especially at the holidays-for givers and receivers, alike? I think I have a pretty good perspective now and can offer some suggestions for gifts that are personal, economical AND practical.

Whether you’re loved one is independent, in assisted living or living with you or another relative, this list should give you some ideas for each situation.

1. Fleece Anything

Now that the temperature has dropped, fleece provides a measure of warmth and comfort no matter how old you are. I replaced the linens on my aunt’s bed with fleece sheets and a throw and she loves them.

She never knew such comfort existed and I’m insanely jealous every time she gets all cozied up in her bed. (My own fleece sheets need to be replaced).

Fluffy fleece socks are also a huge hit in my house.

Finally, you know how nursing homes are always SWELTERING? If my thermostat is set above 68°, I get too hot. This is a little too chilly for my aunt so a sweater and sometimes gloves, keep her comfortable. The gloves were my mom’s idea and I do feel a little guilty but I just can’t crank up the heat. If your loved one still lives at home, the cost of cranking the heat up could be an issue and the gloves might be a welcome comfort.

2. Easy-to-fix meal and a visit

If your loved one lives alone, proper nutrition and loneliness could be an issue. Recent studies suggest that the mortality risk from loneliness and decreased social interaction is comparable to that of smoking and twice as dangerous as obesity.

Malnutrition is a common problem among seniors. An estimated 60 percent of adults aged 65 years and older who visit an emergency room are either malnourished or at risk of malnutrition and only 1 in 4 of those were previously diagnosed as malnourished.

One meal a week won’t cure the problem but dropping off 3-5 homemade, easy-to-prepare meals could make a big difference for both issues.

Multiple single-serving meals can be prepared and stored in containers, frozen or refrigerated with instructions for thawing or microwaving.

Committing to regular visits will allow you to monitor any sudden health, safety, mobility, environmental or cognitive issues that might need to be addressed with the person or family members.

3. Box of cards, stamps and personalized stationary

Although writing can be difficult as people age, many seniors love to keep in touch the old-fashioned way.

Providing a variety of cards for different occasions will minimize the need for excessive handwriting if it’s an issue but still allows a person to keep in touch with people they love and are thinking about.

A box could include addresses and dates to remember like birthdays, anniversaries and upcoming events like graduations.

If the person still has the ability to write more than a few lines and enjoys it, personalized stationary is a great gift.

4. Monthly Housecleaning Service

You can arrange this to coincide with a visit if the person is uncomfortable with strangers being in her home. You should always be sensitive to safety issues when arranging for any service providers.

If you don’t get a commercial cleaning service, you can ask around for referrals.

Most professionals will charge a little more for the initial cleaning (which can be a great gift, in itself) and then reduce the price for routine maintenance of the rooms/services that are most needed.

This is an ideal gift for anyone who has too much stuff unless it’s impossible to clean around. Then you should consider a visit from a professional organizer or purger.

5. Photo Gifts

Photo mugs and photo calendars make great gifts. My aunt drinks a cup of coffee every morning and she always pays extra attention to a mug with Kate’s baby face on it. I like the idea of the calendar because it’s consumable.

6. Classic Television Shows on DVD

We all know that nothing is on TV, yet it’s how most seniors pass the time. If operating a DVD player isn’t an issue for your loved one, consider a television classic like “Gunsmoke” (Is there anyone cooler than Marshall Matt Dillon?), “The Andy Griffith Show“, “The Beverly Hillbillies” or “Leave It To Beaver“, to name a few.

Maybe the person can handle something a little more dramatic, “Downton Abbey” is excellent and dramas like “The West Wing“, “L.A. Law“, “The Practice“, “Hill Street Blues” or “E.R.” are classics.

7. Lawn Care and/or Snow Removal

Whether provided by you, one of your children or a paid service provider, outside maintenance is a huge problem for many seniors who still live at home.

8. Single Serving Coffee Maker

I’m not a huge fan of the hassle and expense of individual serving cups but people love the convenience of those single serving brewing systems.

One of my aunt’s greatest pleasures in the morning is being able to enjoy a hot cup of coffee now that she doesn’t have to prepare and clean the pot. She just wasn’t able to manage it any longer when she was on her own.

Single serving type instant brewers involve less preparation and less clean-up than automatic drip coffee makers.

If you are going to gift this, make sure you also wrap up a healthy supply of coffee “cups”.

9. Rotating delivery of essentials

Admittedly, this is a weird one. One thing my aunt worried about when she lived on her own was running out of the things she used daily (paper towels, tissues, toilet paper, Efferdent, liquid soap, supplements and V-8, to name a few).

She kept a healthy supply of these things in the closets and called it her “larder”.

If you know a senior who also worries about running out of things and can physically manage a delivery (can get to the door and manage a package-my aunt wouldn’t have been able to handle a larger package), you can arrange for Amazon to deliver these type of things to them. If not, you can make a weekly or monthly run yourself for her necessities.

If you’re planning to use Amazon, it’s definitely worth getting the Amazon Prime membership (for either yourself or the person you’re buying for) since shipping will be free for most items and there are other benefits that go along with it.

10. Handwritten Cards and Notes

Letter writing is definitely a lost art but one that everyone I know appreciates. If you commit to writing a letter to your loved one-say, once a month, you might be surprised that it’s just as much a gift to you.

*Disclosure: This post is littered with affiliate links. If you make a purchase through any of the links, I receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. I appreciate it. Either way, I hope you got some good ideas from the post.

Teens and Caregiving Part Three

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If you’re one of the millions of Americans with parents over 65 and children still at home, chances are you’ll likely be facing a decision about whether to provide care for your parent or another aging relative.

While most children are adaptable and will pitch in wherever they can, many kids are dealing with overwhelming stress from school, friends and other demands in their world.

What can you do if your child doesn’t agree with your desire or need to take on a primary caregiving role?

In spite of the added demands on your own time, your first priority is to your family. If you have a choice and a careful consideration of the situation points to another option (assisted living, nursing home or hiring care and service providers from an agency or the community) sometimes you’ll have to go with that. I’m not suggesting that you cater to a whiny or self-oriented young person but I do think you should carefully consider whether the decision will lead to irreparable harm to your family.

A number of factors could lead to a teen’s inability to cope with another person under the roof. Feelings of grief or loss of the family member who needs care is a possibility. If the person suffers from severe dementia or extreme health conditions. If the person is scared, mean or confused. A recent death in the family or other crisis from which the child must still recover or intense situations at school could be other reasons that your child might be unable to cope. Whatever the reason, it’s not productive to judge it but you should consider any such factors when weighing your decision.

Here are some suggestions to help a child who can’t or won’t cooperate if you’ve already taken on the responsibility.

1. Adhere to familiar routines as much as possible or create new ones

Predictability is extremely comforting to most young children. Some kids continue to rely on familiar schedules and knowing what’s next depending on their personality type.

Even if the routine will change, preparing everyone ahead of time should minimize the stress.

2. Carve out chunks of time to connect with your child

You’ll both appreciate your efforts to do so and you can create memories you might not have had otherwise.

3. Talk talk and talk some more

Communication can be difficult with teens but talking about what seems like an outside topic (your relative) can help form a habit. Don’t wait for your child to complain or break down. Be proactive about bringing up any subject and make it clear that resentments are normal and you won’t be angry with him for expressing frustrations with the situation or the person your caring for.

4. Point out some benefits of the new situation

It may be that having your loved one in your home is easier than trying to manage her care in a nursing home, for example.

In my case, my aunt lived 4 hours away and in the weeks leading up to the decision to bring her to my home, I had to travel there at least five times in as many weeks with my mom to take care of issues that were popping up. Including an extended stay over Easter without the kids. That situation wasn’t sustainable and was extremely disruptive to our family life but my mom wasn’t able to manage the responsibilities and decisions on her own (she’s also in her 70s).

5. Look forward to something fun and positive with your children.

Make a bucket list of things that you might like to do when things return to normal. If you don’t want to wait that long, enlist the help of family and friends to get to it soon. Time spent just dreaming about fun things will be productive.

6. Be vocal about your appreciation when your child shows kindness, compassion and helps in any way

Even if that help isn’t directed to the person your caring for, let your child know that you noticed and that it helped you.

7. Seek counseling if necessary.

Kids process things very differently than adults and other kids. If you observe drastic changes in behavior, you might need the help of a professional to give your child an objective listener and some tools to manage the new situation.

Some of these suggestions seem obvious but they’re easy to forget or put off when you’ve added a full-time job to your already-busy schedule.

I would love to hear some other strategies for helping to minimize the impact of caregiving on children.

This is part 3 in a series about caring for teens and a sick or elderly family member simultaneously. You can read part 1 here and part 2 here.

Teens and Caregiving Part Two

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Inevitable Changes With a New Role of Caregiver

When you accept the role of primary caregiver for a sick or elderly relative, your family takes on the responsibility too. If you still have children at home, the addition can be both a blessing and a stress.

Children of all ages and stages can be notoriously self-oriented but having a human under the same roof who’s relatively helpless and vulnerable is a constant reminder NOT to think of themselves first. Even if the children aren’t responsible for the manual tasks of providing personal care, they’re on-call to provide companionship and attention and to help the person in other ways around the house.

It’s important to be sensitive to signals when the kids in the house are feeling the stress of the new situation. Even seemingly minor adjustments (like having to change where you sit at the dinner table) can trigger a meltdown when combined with the compounding changes like modifications to environment, schedule, routine, traditions, a likely increase in visitor traffic through the house, equipment in the home and possibly a shuffling of room assignments.

Best Advice To Date

The most profound advice I got was from a friend who took care of her dying mother in the last 6 months of her life. Stacey has 4 children about the same age as my own. When she learned that I would be caring for my aunt in our home, the only advice she gave was to attend and to drive my kids to as many activities as possible. I was surprised since transportation might be the easiest thing to delegate to friends and family members who want to help in this new situation but she was right.

Three Reasons This Advice Was So Great

1. Time and Attention is at a Premium

My (or my husband’s) presence at a game during an otherwise chaotic time provides a measure of security to the child, even if they’re unaware of it. My time is not my own and there’s less flexibility to make it theirs. Carving out time to spend time with any of the kids makes a difference. If you make this point non-negotiable with your family and support network, it creates some predictability in an otherwise unpredictable situation. Practices and games are usually scheduled well ahead of time which gives everyone plenty of notice that you’ll need help at home during those times.

2. Car Rides Can Be Quiet and Private

One-on-one time can be difficult to find and time in the car with you gives a kid a chance to talk about things that are on his mind. Even if you don’t talk about the subject of your new circumstances, it can help you gauge your child’s mood and pick up any underlying concerns.

3. A Mini Respite

Committing to this simple, routine chore forces you to physically remove yourself from your environment which allows you to decompress and take a break. Arranging time away from the house (and your added responsibilities) for other events might be a hassle so you probably have a tendency not to. Practices and games are relatively predictable so they’re also easier to plan for.

Whether it’s a 15 minute run to the field for a practice drop-off or sitting in the stands for a two hour game, the time can provide a much-needed but efficient respite for you since you’re also supporting your child.

Even if I’m not always able to arrange it, I’m grateful for my friend’s advice and believe it’s been key to keeping us all moving forward during a major change in the household.

I would love to hear your tips for caring for teens and a sick or elderly family member simultaneously.

This is part 2 in a series about caring for teens and a sick or elderly family member simultaneously. You can read part 1 here.