Tag Archives: family

Three Products That Have Made Caregiving Easier

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I returned to the world of caregiving (outside of parenting pre-adults) in September, 2024. I’ve written about my previous caregiving experience extensively when my mom and I made the decision to bring her oldest sister home to Pittsburgh and share the responsibility.

In this season of “Beth takes care of an adult human in her home”, my stepmom is the star and has joined the Phillips household and family. Though, she has the resources to pay for the nicest facilities, I’m here to tell you that unless family is there every day to advocate for every basic need, they’re all shit if your loved one needs any shred of assistance, let alone max assist and full care.

In this post, I’m sharing three products that I couldn’t live without as a 24/7 caregiver (though, it took me a little while to find them). Each improved my experience or in some way relieved a stressor.

Get You Some Ears!

Not unlike many seniors, my stepmom’s hearing isn’t the best and she watches a lot of TV to pass the time. Even though she has a private space with a door, the loud TV was a problem day and night for me. I work part-time from home and the blasting TV was disruptive. My stepmom was considering hearing aids but her stroke has left her completely dependent. Doctor visits require renting a van. She is unable to place, care for, charge, clean, or in any way manage hearing aids. Since she would really only need them for TV viewing and not quality of life otherwise, I am hesitant to add that caregiving responsibility.

I started researching personal headphones for TV viewing. Because of her limited strength and mobility of her left hand, she wouldn’t have been able to manage certain models that were over-ear/on her head.

Enter, TV Ears (affiliate link)

This image shows a product called TV ears which is an assistive hearing device for TV viewing

My stepmom can control her own volume and the outer TV volume can be inaudible. If someone wants to watch a show with her, she usually opts not to use the ears just to be sociable because they are noise-cancelling for her but if she had them on, the TV could be at any volume for the person in the room.

I go to bed much earlier than her and this product has saved my sleep and my sanity. The instructions were clear for easy set-up. The ears take 4-6 hours to fully charge and last about the same amount of time. Since she watches TV about 6-7 hours in the day and about 4-6 hours at night with only 2 short shifts in her wheelchair to eat due to her limitations, we ordered a second pair so that she would always have a pair charged.

The standard dock which is hard-wired to the TV has two charging stations. At about $125 for the initial pair and less than $100 for the second pair, this was well worth the money. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!

Boost Nighttime Dryness!

My stepmom is dependent on adult briefs and is unable to get to or sit safely on a bedside commode without max assistance. The brand that I linked are great but before I thought that there might be a solution for more consistent night-time incontinence protection, I would have to do a full-on clothes and bed change 2-4 times per week usually in the middle of the night. On a couple of occasions, twice in one night for almost 3 months!

I was aware that some active adults wear incontinence pads for accidents day or night and wondered whether something like that would get her through the nights without soaking herself.

Enter adult booster pads!

I am not kidding when I say we both sleep better since I’ve been using these. I was lucky to find this brand out the gate as I’m not sure that if I tried another type or brand and it failed, I would bother to order another.

I turned to Youtube for basic research about this topic and this video was especially informative and directed me to this brand. I started with the 20 pack which lasted 20 days since I only need them at night, currently.

I was sold and have since ordered 3 packs of 20 twice. Literal Life (and sleep) saver.

Treat Yourself!

I had smaller, good quality washable bed pads leftover from caring for my aunt. She regained her continence shortly after moving in with me and rarely soiled the bed but I used them to keep her sheets fresh longer.

I quickly discovered that they were not big enough or absorbent enough for our current situation.

Enter 36″ x 38″ absorbency incontinence bed pads.

These fookin’ things keep the bed clean, absorb everything and would be worth it if there were 10x more expensive.

I watched a couple of the videos on the Amazon site by experienced users/caregivers and I’m so glad I grabbed these early on. I thought I might have to order more but the original 4 pack has held up well (a little over 5 months in), wash beautifully and have held up well to lots of wear and tear.

Bottom Line

For less than $200, I improved my caregiving situation immeasurably with the TV ears and bed pads and less than $30/month (cost of the booster pads for my situation). Please don’t skimp on easy solutions.

Turn to Youtube or Amazon reviews for solutions. I promise there is a solution out there that will solve or minimize your challenges.

Best to all of you caregivers!

COVID Blogging

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I don't read blogs much anymore so I haven't been inspired to blog myself.

The idea of creating a record of this weird time does interest me. 

It's been 8 weeks since PA started to close down.

Mark's last day of school was March 13. I kept him home the day before because I knew it was imminent and I thought it was ridiculous that schools were still open.

Kate got out of Europe just in time for a relatively smooth experience through airports. She had decided the day of Trump's press conference to come home and booked a flight hours before he made the announcement. Her flight arrived in Pittsburgh about 8pm on March 12. She avoided delays, crowds and bottlenecks at customs. She self-quarantined for 2 weeks but by the time she was out, everyone else was quarantined.

Luke spent most of that week in Florida training and hoping to play a couple of matches which were canceled. Then he spent a stupid night in Cleveland partying with his teammates and arrived here Sunday afternoon with three of his teammates. Two of the teammates left later that afternoon with rumors of a national lockdown. The other left the next day.

Hannah's company moved their equipment out of the co-work space the same week.

Big Mark's club closed about the same time that schools closed. He was offered 30 hours a week at half pay for about 2 weeks doing odd jobs inside the club until the 3rd week in May then he went on unemployment.

Things were crazy that first couple of weeks. Things were closing, people were hoarding toilet paper. You had no idea if we were going to experience death tolls like China, Italy and Spain. It was freaky and the month of March 2020 felt like a decade.

April wasn't quite as chaotic but then time became irrelevant. Anchored by food and trips to the grocery store. 

Every day felt like Groundhog Day. The same over and over. There was nowhere to go. There was nothing to do. Some people got busy on house projects.

I can't work with people underfoot. I made some masks and was happy for the distraction and the reason to hide out in the basement.

A lot of PokerHoops happened as Ron figured out a way to deal via video conference. (Fucking technology!)

We had a couple of family Zoom meet ups. For the most part, though, everything continues to be the same.

Kate turned 20. Mark will "graduate" in a couple of weeks. Things are supposed to loosen up with restrictions tomorrow.

I intend to buy some rum and brandy (for Sangria).

We're hoping to go to the cabin with the kids on Saturday. We need a change of scenery.

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The Trickiest Thing About Parenting Teens and Twenties

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Supporting without enabling.

Doing things for your kids that they can do for themselves at any age isn’t a great idea. (I wish I had studied Marie Montessori since this is an essential element of her teaching method). I have mostly failed at this because tbh, things just get done faster if I do them. Overall, less friction but also, less learning.

Now that the kids are older, it’s even harder to watch them struggle with real-world challenges without interfering if I have the time or resources to smooth things out.

At least one of my adult children rarely asks for help and usually refuses if I offer. The other two, half and half. They’ll sometimes ask for help from me or another sibling, other times, they take care of things on their own. I try to remind myself that struggling will help them obtain skills and perspective that will serve them. To be honest, it’s just easier if I’m not in a position to help and we can all talk about how that was better in the end (or how much that situation sucked).

Chunking Up Tasks Has Been Working For Me

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I work part time from home when my boss has a project for me. He hasn’t been very busy which leaves me a lot of time to get some other things done.

A couple of bigger projects with no set deadline have been hanging over my head. If they were deadline oriented, I’d have no problem completing them.

Lately, I’ve been committing just 60-90 minutes at a time to these projects with the intention of returning to them the next day or later in the week and I have made significant progress on several projects. It feels great.

Another surprising thing is that I’m spending less time on them than I originally expected.

I thought it would take hours and hours over the course of a month to clear out the garage at our rental property to rent it out. In reality, I’m almost finished after just two or three hour-long sessions.

Appreciating the Ability To Be Spontaneous

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When my 3+ years of caring for my aunt came to an end, the thing I appreciated most was the ability to be spontaneous.

Spontaneity is nearly impossible (even for a quick trip to the grocery store) when you’re caring for someone with dementia.

Two weeks after my aunt passed away, Luke started his freshman year at college. Taking him shopping for dorm stuff and school supplies felt like a luxury. The day he moved in, I had time to help him get his room ready, hang around while he hit with a teammate and then drive him to another teammate’s home club where he was going to hit again then spend the night.

It was so nice to stay for 2-3 hours longer than I had planned without making arrangements.

More than two years later, I still appreciate being able to linger over lunch with friends, attend a sporting event without watching the time and make plans on the fly.

Photo of Phillips kids on the award podium at Hershey Racquet Club

Let’s Talk About Parent Attendance Awards

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A friend recently posted this article on her timeline: “Why Parents Should Go To All Their Kids’ Games“. (this SEO-friendly title is different than the actual title of the article but let’s pretend because I do think there’s a societal expectation that puts parents in the seats or in the concession stand for every competition, performance, etc.)

I don’t have any judgment about parents who make this a priority. I just don’t agree with the premise.

Attending every game doesn’t make you a great parent. Not attending every game doesn’t make you a bad parent.

I have a problem with “should” and “all”.

I could start listing all the reasons why I disagree…..

“What about families with multiple children in multiple activities?”, etc. …..

I don’t think a person should feel the need to have reasons not to attend.

Go if you want. Don’t go if you don’t want. It’s all good. Your kid will be fine. I promise.

caregiving and accountability

The Stress of 24/7 Accountability of Caregiving

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This isn’t a rant or a complaint, just information to help people understand one of the many challenges of full time caregiving.

My aunt has lived with us for almost three years. That first summer was physically, emotionally and logistically demanding. I was constantly exhausted and stressed.

The hardest thing at the beginning was not knowing what to expect and learning how to navigate changes that I couldn’t predict.

One change was the increased traffic of well-intentioned visitors. Except for my closest family members (brothers and cousins), visitors added to the chaos those first few months. Once I identified it as a stressor, I was able to set some boundaries. Most people respect them and are very understanding but we’ll still get the occassional surprise visitor. Who does that?

If you’re reading this and know someone caring for a loved one, please don’t drop in unexpectedly, it’s rude, inappropriate and disruptive.

I’m lucky that my aunt doesn’t have demanding medical or physical needs.

The hardest thing about being a caregiver now is the constant accountability and having to make detailed arrangement for anything that takes me away from the house. I can’t run to the grocery store if someone isn’t here with her. Weddings, funerals and every family event are tricky to attend because all my back-ups are usually attending those, too.

People don’t realize that every event and activity requires planning and arranging for someone to be with her, prepare her meals, help her in the bathroom, keep her on her schedule, let alone coordinating my own family members. I can’t tell you how often I thought I told my kids about a funeral or an invitation/event and they never heard about it. Blank stare.

It’s a chore to enjoy normal family things. I tend to opt out of movies, get-togethers with friends and family, dinner out or the occassional sporting event because it’s just easier than scrambling to arrange one or more caregivers.

Any solution is temporary. It’s great when people offer to help but it’s always only temporary. My daughters were just getting comfortable taking responsibility for 24 hour care to allow me to be away overnight but my aunt’s physical and mental abilities have declined so quickly that none of us are comfortable with that.

My mom and I will try to share caregiving as long as possible. My aunt will spend a couple of months at each of our homes to give the other a break. It’s much easier than trying to manage her care in a nursing home, for now.

 

Opting Out of the Awful School Pictures

 

school-pictures

4th grade me with my Dorothy Hammill haircut

I’ve had it. I used to feel guilty that my kids didn’t have school pictures since they were homeschooled.

This year, I’m opting out.

I’ve purchased a “package” for each of the kids for each of the years that they have been in school. I never display them. I rarely share them. They sit in the cellophane window envelope in a drawer somewhere.

To be perfectly honest, none of them are any good. Not one school picture actually looks like the kid in it. Bad smile, pasty face, awkward angle. They are just bad.

The photo packages are too expensive and they’re purposely designed to NOT include the sizes you might want.

I thought Mark would be offended that I didn’t want to buy them this year but then forgot that he’s a boy and doesn’t care about stuff like that. I knew Kate wouldn’t care. The only year she let me buy photos, she wouldn’t let me see them. She wasn’t interested in doubling down on her humiliation by getting the “retake”.