Tag Archives: family

COVID Blogging

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I don't read blogs much anymore so I haven't been inspired to blog myself.

The idea of creating a record of this weird time does interest me. 

It's been 8 weeks since PA started to close down.

Mark's last day of school was March 13. I kept him home the day before because I knew it was imminent and I thought it was ridiculous that schools were still open.

Kate got out of Europe just in time for a relatively smooth experience through airports. She had decided the day of Trump's press conference to come home and booked a flight hours before he made the announcement. Her flight arrived in Pittsburgh about 8pm on March 12. She avoided delays, crowds and bottlenecks at customs. She self-quarantined for 2 weeks but by the time she was out, everyone else was quarantined.

Luke spent most of that week in Florida training and hoping to play a couple of matches which were canceled. Then he spent a stupid night in Cleveland partying with his teammates and arrived here Sunday afternoon with three of his teammates. Two of the teammates left later that afternoon with rumors of a national lockdown. The other left the next day.

Hannah's company moved their equipment out of the co-work space the same week.

Big Mark's club closed about the same time that schools closed. He was offered 30 hours a week at half pay for about 2 weeks doing odd jobs inside the club until the 3rd week in May then he went on unemployment.

Things were crazy that first couple of weeks. Things were closing, people were hoarding toilet paper. You had no idea if we were going to experience death tolls like China, Italy and Spain. It was freaky and the month of March 2020 felt like a decade.

April wasn't quite as chaotic but then time became irrelevant. Anchored by food and trips to the grocery store. 

Every day felt like Groundhog Day. The same over and over. There was nowhere to go. There was nothing to do. Some people got busy on house projects.

I can't work with people underfoot. I made some masks and was happy for the distraction and the reason to hide out in the basement.

A lot of PokerHoops happened as Ron figured out a way to deal via video conference. (Fucking technology!)

We had a couple of family Zoom meet ups. For the most part, though, everything continues to be the same.

Kate turned 20. Mark will "graduate" in a couple of weeks. Things are supposed to loosen up with restrictions tomorrow.

I intend to buy some rum and brandy (for Sangria).

We're hoping to go to the cabin with the kids on Saturday. We need a change of scenery.

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The Trickiest Thing About Parenting Teens and Twenties

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Supporting without enabling.

Doing things for your kids that they can do for themselves at any age isn’t a great idea. (I wish I had studied Marie Montessori since this is an essential element of her teaching method). I have mostly failed at this because tbh, things just get done faster if I do them. Overall, less friction but also, less learning.

Now that the kids are older, it’s even harder to watch them struggle with real-world challenges without interfering if I have the time or resources to smooth things out.

At least one of my adult children rarely asks for help and usually refuses if I offer. The other two, half and half. They’ll sometimes ask for help from me or another sibling, other times, they take care of things on their own. I try to remind myself that struggling will help them obtain skills and perspective that will serve them. To be honest, it’s just easier if I’m not in a position to help and we can all talk about how that was better in the end (or how much that situation sucked).

Chunking Up Tasks Has Been Working For Me

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I work part time from home when my boss has a project for me. He hasn’t been very busy which leaves me a lot of time to get some other things done.

A couple of bigger projects with no set deadline have been hanging over my head. If they were deadline oriented, I’d have no problem completing them.

Lately, I’ve been committing just 60-90 minutes at a time to these projects with the intention of returning to them the next day or later in the week and I have made significant progress on several projects. It feels great.

Another surprising thing is that I’m spending less time on them than I originally expected.

I thought it would take hours and hours over the course of a month to clear out the garage at our rental property to rent it out. In reality, I’m almost finished after just two or three hour-long sessions.

Appreciating the Ability To Be Spontaneous

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When my 3+ years of caring for my aunt came to an end, the thing I appreciated most was the ability to be spontaneous.

Spontaneity is nearly impossible (even for a quick trip to the grocery store) when you’re caring for someone with dementia.

Two weeks after my aunt passed away, Luke started his freshman year at college. Taking him shopping for dorm stuff and school supplies felt like a luxury. The day he moved in, I had time to help him get his room ready, hang around while he hit with a teammate and then drive him to another teammate’s home club where he was going to hit again then spend the night.

It was so nice to stay for 2-3 hours longer than I had planned without making arrangements.

More than two years later, I still appreciate being able to linger over lunch with friends, attend a sporting event without watching the time and make plans on the fly.

Photo of Phillips kids on the award podium at Hershey Racquet Club

Let’s Talk About Parent Attendance Awards

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A friend recently posted this article on her timeline: “Why Parents Should Go To All Their Kids’ Games“. (this SEO-friendly title is different than the actual title of the article but let’s pretend because I do think there’s a societal expectation that puts parents in the seats or in the concession stand for every competition, performance, etc.)

I don’t have any judgment about parents who make this a priority. I just don’t agree with the premise.

Attending every game doesn’t make you a great parent. Not attending every game doesn’t make you a bad parent.

I have a problem with “should” and “all”.

I could start listing all the reasons why I disagree…..

“What about families with multiple children in multiple activities?”, etc. …..

I don’t think a person should feel the need to have reasons not to attend.

Go if you want. Don’t go if you don’t want. It’s all good. Your kid will be fine. I promise.

caregiving and accountability

The Stress of 24/7 Accountability of Caregiving

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This isn’t a rant or a complaint, just information to help people understand one of the many challenges of full time caregiving.

My aunt has lived with us for almost three years. That first summer was physically, emotionally and logistically demanding. I was constantly exhausted and stressed.

The hardest thing at the beginning was not knowing what to expect and learning how to navigate changes that I couldn’t predict.

One change was the increased traffic of well-intentioned visitors. Except for my closest family members (brothers and cousins), visitors added to the chaos those first few months. Once I identified it as a stressor, I was able to set some boundaries. Most people respect them and are very understanding but we’ll still get the occassional surprise visitor. Who does that?

If you’re reading this and know someone caring for a loved one, please don’t drop in unexpectedly, it’s rude, inappropriate and disruptive.

I’m lucky that my aunt doesn’t have demanding medical or physical needs.

The hardest thing about being a caregiver now is the constant accountability and having to make detailed arrangement for anything that takes me away from the house. I can’t run to the grocery store if someone isn’t here with her. Weddings, funerals and every family event are tricky to attend because all my back-ups are usually attending those, too.

People don’t realize that every event and activity requires planning and arranging for someone to be with her, prepare her meals, help her in the bathroom, keep her on her schedule, let alone coordinating my own family members. I can’t tell you how often I thought I told my kids about a funeral or an invitation/event and they never heard about it. Blank stare.

It’s a chore to enjoy normal family things. I tend to opt out of movies, get-togethers with friends and family, dinner out or the occassional sporting event because it’s just easier than scrambling to arrange one or more caregivers.

Any solution is temporary. It’s great when people offer to help but it’s always only temporary. My daughters were just getting comfortable taking responsibility for 24 hour care to allow me to be away overnight but my aunt’s physical and mental abilities have declined so quickly that none of us are comfortable with that.

My mom and I will try to share caregiving as long as possible. My aunt will spend a couple of months at each of our homes to give the other a break. It’s much easier than trying to manage her care in a nursing home, for now.

 

Opting Out of the Awful School Pictures

 

school-pictures

4th grade me with my Dorothy Hammill haircut

I’ve had it. I used to feel guilty that my kids didn’t have school pictures since they were homeschooled.

This year, I’m opting out.

I’ve purchased a “package” for each of the kids for each of the years that they have been in school. I never display them. I rarely share them. They sit in the cellophane window envelope in a drawer somewhere.

To be perfectly honest, none of them are any good. Not one school picture actually looks like the kid in it. Bad smile, pasty face, awkward angle. They are just bad.

The photo packages are too expensive and they’re purposely designed to NOT include the sizes you might want.

I thought Mark would be offended that I didn’t want to buy them this year but then forgot that he’s a boy and doesn’t care about stuff like that. I knew Kate wouldn’t care. The only year she let me buy photos, she wouldn’t let me see them. She wasn’t interested in doubling down on her humiliation by getting the “retake”.

 

 

 

 

 

My Theory About Why So Few People Truly Understand Caregiving

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photo credit: Todd Diemer | Unsplash.com

When I took on the responsibility of caring for my elderly aunt, the only thing I knew was that I really had no idea what to expect.

Although my closest family and friends worried for my well-being, they have been so supportive and really make it possible.

I have thought a lot about why the impact of caregiving on families is so underestimated and misunderstood. A 2009 report estimated that family caregivers save the U.S. health care system more than 450 BILLION dollars per year.

It should be a priority to study and support family care situations. At the very least we could try to educate people about how best to prepare to care for a loved one.

Frankly, I don’t have the energy to advocate for policies and services to support caregivers even though family caregivers save taxpayers hundreds of billions of dollars of year. I think the reason it’s not a higher priority is that you can’t relate to it if you haven’t done it.

It’s impossible to paint an accurate picture of caregiving without compromising the dignity or privacy of the person being cared for. There are some private support channels online where people feel safe to open up and discuss the ugly details. I think these are important resources for caregivers but I learned very quickly that I didn’t want to spend what little free time I had swimming in the soup of other caregivers’ situations.

I have contributed to a different kind of caregiver support site that tries to keep the focus on promoting the happiness and health of the caregiver. If you’re a caregiver, check it out. Elizabeth is positive and offers excellent strategies and practical solutions for making your well-being a priority. [Sorry for the digression. Back to my point].

When anyone other than my closest friends or family members ask how my aunt is, I have little choice but to say “fine”. I have no desire to get into the challenges of our days to outsiders and unsupportive people because I feel like I’m betraying my aunt or complaining. To describe the graphic details of her personal care or her declining cognition would compromise her dignity and I’m just not willing to do that. It’s hard and she’s sweet so that’s that.

I wish I could prepare people for the monumental task of caring for an elderly loved one. I may write about some unexpected challenges that have little to do with her personal care so as not to compromise her privacy. Maybe some day, I’ll have the energy to advocate for policy initiatives to support the millions of people who are caring for their elderly family members but not today.

 

 

 

Tennis, Family and Caregiving

 

This post will be boring to anyone but my mother but I feel like writing it so I don’t forget.

I turned 47 on Thursday. Hannah qualified for states for the 2nd year so I got to drive her to Hershey, PA for the tournament on that day. We were all together for the weekend, which was the best birthday gift ever.

Hannah’s a natural goal-setter and despite not training during the off-season (the kid got a little burned out on junior tournaments and clinics) she’s had a great high school tennis career. Let me brag here because she won’t do it herself. She is a 3x section champion and a 4x district qualifier. She qualified for states twice and was the district runner-up this year. I think her regular season record is 33-3 for her career.

Her goal this season was to win one more match at each tournament than the previous season. She did that in the district tournament by playing in the final and she exceeded that goal at the state tournament by finishing 4th!

Hannah Phillips Tennis States

 

My cousin was generous enough to stay with my aunt for two nights so my mom could come, too. Another gift. It meant a lot to Hannah that she was there.

I have incredible support from my closest family. I could never have offered to take care of my aunt in my home without it. It takes some extra planning and preparation to leave her for a couple of days-even in the best hands-but it all worked out.

Congratulations to Hannah. We’re all so proud of you!

 

Teens and Caregiving Part Three

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Sandwich generation #teens #caregiving #elderly #strategies

If you’re one of the millions of Americans with parents over 65 and children still at home, chances are you’ll likely be facing a decision about whether to provide care for your parent or another aging relative.

While most children are adaptable and will pitch in wherever they can, many kids are dealing with overwhelming stress from school, friends and other demands in their world.

What can you do if your child doesn’t agree with your desire or need to take on a primary caregiving role?

In spite of the added demands on your own time, your first priority is to your family. If you have a choice and a careful consideration of the situation points to another option (assisted living, nursing home or hiring care and service providers from an agency or the community) sometimes you’ll have to go with that. I’m not suggesting that you cater to a whiny or self-oriented young person but I do think you should carefully consider whether the decision will lead to irreparable harm to your family.

A number of factors could lead to a teen’s inability to cope with another person under the roof. Feelings of grief or loss of the family member who needs care is a possibility. If the person suffers from severe dementia or extreme health conditions. If the person is scared, mean or confused. A recent death in the family or other crisis from which the child must still recover or intense situations at school could be other reasons that your child might be unable to cope. Whatever the reason, it’s not productive to judge it but you should consider any such factors when weighing your decision.

Here are some suggestions to help a child who can’t or won’t cooperate if you’ve already taken on the responsibility.

1. Adhere to familiar routines as much as possible or create new ones

Predictability is extremely comforting to most young children. Some kids continue to rely on familiar schedules and knowing what’s next depending on their personality type.

Even if the routine will change, preparing everyone ahead of time should minimize the stress.

2. Carve out chunks of time to connect with your child

You’ll both appreciate your efforts to do so and you can create memories you might not have had otherwise.

3. Talk talk and talk some more

Communication can be difficult with teens but talking about what seems like an outside topic (your relative) can help form a habit. Don’t wait for your child to complain or break down. Be proactive about bringing up any subject and make it clear that resentments are normal and you won’t be angry with him for expressing frustrations with the situation or the person your caring for.

4. Point out some benefits of the new situation

It may be that having your loved one in your home is easier than trying to manage her care in a nursing home, for example.

In my case, my aunt lived 4 hours away and in the weeks leading up to the decision to bring her to my home, I had to travel there at least five times in as many weeks with my mom to take care of issues that were popping up. Including an extended stay over Easter without the kids. That situation wasn’t sustainable and was extremely disruptive to our family life but my mom wasn’t able to manage the responsibilities and decisions on her own (she’s also in her 70s).

5. Look forward to something fun and positive with your children.

Make a bucket list of things that you might like to do when things return to normal. If you don’t want to wait that long, enlist the help of family and friends to get to it soon. Time spent just dreaming about fun things will be productive.

6. Be vocal about your appreciation when your child shows kindness, compassion and helps in any way

Even if that help isn’t directed to the person your caring for, let your child know that you noticed and that it helped you.

7. Seek counseling if necessary.

Kids process things very differently than adults and other kids. If you observe drastic changes in behavior, you might need the help of a professional to give your child an objective listener and some tools to manage the new situation.

Some of these suggestions seem obvious but they’re easy to forget or put off when you’ve added a full-time job to your already-busy schedule.

I would love to hear some other strategies for helping to minimize the impact of caregiving on children.

This is part 3 in a series about caring for teens and a sick or elderly family member simultaneously. You can read part 1 here and part 2 here.