Tag Archives: skills

I’m Not That Parent

I remember a conversation Mark and I had about how so many of the parents of the kids he teaches have really high standards for their kids academically, athletically and in general as in those kids are going to be surgeons, CEOs or software engineers (or all three and more).

The conversation was going down the road of us having higher standards for our kids but I didn’t agree. How can I demand more from my kids than I did for myself?

I never strived for perfection or the highest or the best in any area, I’m just not wired that way. Mark has the highest standards for knowing and teaching tennis but not for other things.

“Good enough” is kind of our standard for almost every other area. Sometimes I wish I were different but I’m not.

The parents to which Mark was referring are surgeons and CEOs and software engineers (or all three and more). I would be unnatural for us to demand excellence of our children in anything but kindness and consideration of others.

Motivation, in my opinion, is innate. A person has to figure out for himself what lights him up. If one of the kids wants to be the best at something, they’ll work towards that distinction to his satisfaction.

External rewards (in this case, our approval) work temporarily but studies show that they are short-lived. When the reward is no longer attached to the desired outcome, the desired outcome decreases or disappears. That makes sense to me.

I’m proud of the people my kids are growing into but I’m more happy for them that they’re figuring out what lights them up and having fun with success in those endeavors. They know that they’ll make mistakes or have to change plans but that’s fine, too.

P.S. I admire parents who have enjoyed excellence from their own efforts and inspire (maybe demand) the same in their own children. Different isn’t better or worse, just something I think about and tried to put into words here.

Acknowledging the Things I’m Not Good At

I wanted to like gardening because I appreciate other nice looking gardens and prefer a fresh vegetable if I’m going to eat one that’s growable.

It took me a while to acknowledge that I don’t like to garden and I’m not very good at it.

I’m decent at decluttering but I’m a only “good enough” cleaner.

I’m terrible at decorating. Partly because I truly don’t want to bother buying this or that to put here or there. I don’t like a lot of STUFF around that isn’t functional (knick-knacks, dust collectors, chatzkis). The more things I have around for decoration, the more the random socks or sweatshirts or athletic paraphernalia bothers me. The stringing machine has been in our TV room since June. I don’t even see it anymore.

I’m not good at and rarely want to discuss my feelings. I’d rather get right to the practical solution of a problem in order to smooth out my feelings about it.

I’m not a great listener. I mean just listening. I’m more inclined to help solve a thing. I want to get better at that. (Not the solving part, the just listening part).

I am not an activist. I’m a decent advocate for people I love but not at all in a broader sense.

It’s funny that I only recently gave myself permission to recognize and accept these things about myself. One of the benefits of getting older, I guess.

Paying Your Dues

The idea of a young person having to “pay their dues” didn’t offend me when I was a young person.

Like school, taxes and a mother-in-law that I could never please, I not only accepted the idea, I believed it. Now I’m calling bullshit on that cliché.

When Hannah discovered two months into an apprenticeship with her Praxis business partner that she isn’t built for 9-5 behind a desk, she decided to leave 7 months early. A few people threw out the phrase. “She’s gotta pay her dues“.

I nodded my head on the outside and shook it violently on the inside.

I’ve been watching Hannah navigate the minefield of other people’s expectations and vague ideas of how to become successful.

So many of those same people invested 30+ years at a job they hate or have dreams that they’ll never pursue. They paid their dues, alright, but most are still paying in the form of dreams that died, relationships that were ruined or health and wellness.

James Altucher recently tweeted this:

The idea that we need to “pay our dues” is a lie told to us by people who wanted our efforts and labor on the cheap. I write down ten ideas each day to bypass the gatekeepers who try to take my dues.

— James Altucher (@jaltucher) February 6, 2018

What image comes to mind when you think about “paying your dues”?

Long hours, low pay, shit assignments, other people taking credit for your work and years at one place in order to climb up a ladder that you shouldn’t have been on in the first place.

That model doesn’t apply anymore. A traditional path doesn’t even guarantee a job, let alone a lifelong career with a pension.

I’m not sure paying dues according to someone else’s expectations makes sense anymore. Sure, put in your time at a low-paying job or do the grunt work if you’ll come out on the other end with transferrable skills.

When you stop learning or the work isn’t challenging, it’s probably time to move on. Decide for yourself when the dues have been paid.

Hannah launched a company this week. She most definitely paid her dues (and will continue to pay them)…into her own escrow account.

She built a reputation and a relationship with her new business partner that made an impression so he invited her to help him build a company.

I guess that’s the difference. Dues are unavoidable but should be deposited in the right place.