Author Archives: Beth

Acknowledging the Things I’m Not Good At

I wanted to like gardening because I appreciate other nice looking gardens and prefer a fresh vegetable if I’m going to eat one that’s growable.

It took me a while to acknowledge that I don’t like to garden and I’m not very good at it.

I’m decent at decluttering but I’m a only “good enough” cleaner.

I’m terrible at decorating. Partly because I truly don’t want to bother buying this or that to put here or there. I don’t like a lot of STUFF around that isn’t functional (knick-knacks, dust collectors, chatzkis). The more things I have around for decoration, the more the random socks or sweatshirts or athletic paraphernalia bothers me. The stringing machine has been in our TV room since June. I don’t even see it anymore.

I’m not good at and rarely want to discuss my feelings. I’d rather get right to the practical solution of a problem in order to smooth out my feelings about it.

I’m not a great listener. I mean just listening. I’m more inclined to help solve a thing. I want to get better at that. (Not the solving part, the just listening part).

I am not an activist. I’m a decent advocate for people I love but not at all in a broader sense.

It’s funny that I only recently gave myself permission to recognize and accept these things about myself. One of the benefits of getting older, I guess.

Appreciating the Ability To Be Spontaneous

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When my 3+ years of caring for my aunt came to an end, the thing I appreciated most was the ability to be spontaneous.

Spontaneity is nearly impossible (even for a quick trip to the grocery store) when you’re caring for someone with dementia.

Two weeks after my aunt passed away, Luke started his freshman year at college. Taking him shopping for dorm stuff and school supplies felt like a luxury. The day he moved in, I had time to help him get his room ready, hang around while he hit with a teammate and then drive him to another teammate’s home club where he was going to hit again then spend the night.

It was so nice to stay for 2-3 hours longer than I had planned without making arrangements.

More than two years later, I still appreciate being able to linger over lunch with friends, attend a sporting event without watching the time and make plans on the fly.

A Definition of Success

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My definition of success has evolved as I have navigated life but watching the kids launch has refined it even more.

Me as a kid: “Success = a good job (lots of money)”.

Me with a good but stressful job: “Success = freedom”.

Me home with the kids after quitting my good job: “Success = raising successful kids”.

Me as the kids have become more independent: “Success = freedom + learning new stuff (growth)”.

Me as a caregiver: “Success = not dropping too many balls”.

Me with a part-time legal gig, projects and properties to manage, parents to help, a healthy husband (walking on two legs) who loves what he does and kids who are doing all different things but seem to be moving forward thoughtfully: “Success = freedom + growth + fun”.

The Perfect Day

Have you ever taken time to imagine your perfect day?

I mean THE PERFECT DAY from the time your eyes open until the time your eyes close at the end of the day.

Not necessarily in the context of your current situation, if it could go ANY WAY YOU WANT.

If, for example, you hate your job, a perfect day wouldn’t be a great day at work but maybe no work at all or killing it at the perfect work environment.

It seems like an unproductive exercise but taking the time to write down or think about a perfect day from beginning to end might unlock something simple that you could add to your day to make it better.

The Life Changing Magic of Appreciation

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Gratitude gets a lot of air time and rightfully so. There’s plenty of research and anecdotal evidence that spending a few minutes thinking about something you’re grateful for every day results in tangible benefits.

Shawn Achor lists gratitude among 5 or 6 other “happiness hacks” in the “Happiness Advantage“, (one of my favorite books, btw). Studies show that gratitude heightens well-being across several outcome measures including positive affect, emotional, interpersonal and physical. Another study showed that writing just three letters of gratitude over a three week period increased happiness and life satisfaction and decreased symptoms of depression.

Gratitude is great but includes an element of having overcome an obstacle or avoided something unpleasant.

“Appreciation”, in my mind, removes the baggage and feels a little bit lighter.

I might feel grateful that the sun is shining but it feels like I’m actually glad that didn’t rain or isn’t cloudy.

Appreciating the sunshine feels slightly different and easier to collect other things to appreciate.

Either practice primes your brain to notice more things throughout your day to feel good about which leads to more. I prefer that momentum over a negative spiral any day.

Let’s Talk About Parent Attendance Awards

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A friend recently posted this article on her timeline: “Why Parents Should Go To All Their Kids’ Games“. (this SEO-friendly title is different than the actual title of the article but let’s pretend because I do think there’s a societal expectation that puts parents in the seats or in the concession stand for every competition, performance, etc.)

I don’t have any judgment about parents who make this a priority. I just don’t agree with the premise.

Attending every game doesn’t make you a great parent. Not attending every game doesn’t make you a bad parent.

I have a problem with “should” and “all”.

I could start listing all the reasons why I disagree…..

“What about families with multiple children in multiple activities?”, etc. …..

I don’t think a person should feel the need to have reasons not to attend.

Go if you want. Don’t go if you don’t want. It’s all good. Your kid will be fine. I promise.

When Your Kid Gets Recognized

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Someone who isn’t yet but plans to be a parent asked me if I had any parenting tips .

The initial context was general (something along the lines of “your kids seemed to have turned out well”) and then was specific (“________________ is awesome”)*.

When the question was broad, I couldn’t answer. It depends on the topic and age of the kid (sleeping, discipline, helping out, getting along, reading, driving, snoozing, working). The question was sort of impossible to answer without context.

When he attempted to narrow the question and said (“_____________ is awesome”), the answer was easy.

“I don’t take credit for their accomplishments or blame for their mistakes“.**

It’s not always easy but I really try not to.

* Someone has said this about each of the kids at different times for different reasons so it’s totally appropriate not to single one out because it doesn’t matter who it is or the circumstances, I still stick by my answer.

** This doesn’t apply to neglect, abuse, extreme indulgence, or other kinds of parenting polarity.

Still Being Home

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When I started this blog in 2010, I was knee deep in homeschooling (happily), had no idea I would become a caregiver for more than 3 years (not including Mark's injury) but I had an idea that I would try my best not to return to a traditional practice of law or work outside the home. (Though, I was always willing if circumstances demanded it).

In the 18 years that I've been out of the work force, I have learned a lot about digital tools, non-legal writing and my tolerance for the rat race (zero).

In Pennsylvania, licensed attorneys can jump in and out of "active" status every three years. One year "active" which means you just pay the licensing fee and get 12 continuing ed credits. Three years "inactive" which requires a lower annual fee.

I have jumped in and out of active status for 18 years. I didn't think I wanted to return to active practice (at least not full time litigation) but I always wanted to be able to fall back on my legal education and credentials in case of an emergency.

Also, I have a practical desire to learn some simple estate planning and procedure to be able to help family and friends.

A former boss at the big firm where I worked before Hannah was born and for whom I did some contract work has asked throughout the years whether I was ready to return to the legal world.

I wasn't interested while the kids were home or while I was caring for my aunt. I had plenty on my plate and didn't want to add work stress and deadlines to it. I wasn't sure I was interested in the topic, either. I just couldn't picture myself getting back into it.

When he mentioned it again in September 2017, I was surprised that I was not only interested but excited about the opportunity.

I knew the offer was for part-time work from home doing research and writing. All of which suited me perfectly.

The aunt I had been caring for passed away in August. I'm ready for a cognitive challenge (it's also scary) and something to anchor my days and weeks. It will be nice to earn some extra income again with the flexibility to control the projects I take on. Also, the lawyer I'll be doing work for has no obligation to provide a minimum number of hours or projects. It's a win-win that I'm really excited about.

In some ways, the work I used to do has probably become easier with technology and digitization of pleadings, briefs, case law and discovery. For example, I used to physically pore over depositions looking for the exact line and page that a witness made a statement. That sort of thing is searchable now.

Shepardizing (the process of determining whether a case is still good law) was manual and cumbersome when I practiced. Technology made it a little easier but certain resources weren't digitized. Now you literally click a button.

Once I relearn some basics (like the terms of my area of practice) and dust off the brain cobwebs, I should be good.

Either way, I'm truly happy I'm still "Being Home".

Paying Your Dues

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