Author Archives: Beth

Acknowledging the Things I’m Not Good At

Leave a reply

I wanted to like gardening because I appreciate other nice looking gardens and prefer a fresh vegetable if I’m going to eat one that’s growable.

It took me a while to acknowledge that I don’t like to garden and I’m not very good at it.

I’m decent at decluttering but I’m a only “good enough” cleaner.

I’m terrible at decorating. Partly because I truly don’t want to bother buying this or that to put here or there. I don’t like a lot of STUFF around that isn’t functional (knick-knacks, dust collectors, chatzkis). The more things I have around for decoration, the more the random socks or sweatshirts or athletic paraphernalia bothers me. The stringing machine has been in our TV room since June. I don’t even see it anymore.

I’m not good at and rarely want to discuss my feelings. I’d rather get right to the practical solution of a problem in order to smooth out my feelings about it.

I’m not a great listener. I mean just listening. I’m more inclined to help solve a thing. I want to get better at that. (Not the solving part, the just listening part).

I am not an activist. I’m a decent advocate for people I love but not at all in a broader sense.

It’s funny that I only recently gave myself permission to recognize and accept these things about myself. One of the benefits of getting older, I guess.

Appreciating the Ability To Be Spontaneous

Leave a reply

When my 3+ years of caring for my aunt came to an end, the thing I appreciated most was the ability to be spontaneous.

Spontaneity is nearly impossible (even for a quick trip to the grocery store) when you’re caring for someone with dementia.

Two weeks after my aunt passed away, Luke started his freshman year at college. Taking him shopping for dorm stuff and school supplies felt like a luxury. The day he moved in, I had time to help him get his room ready, hang around while he hit with a teammate and then drive him to another teammate’s home club where he was going to hit again then spend the night.

It was so nice to stay for 2-3 hours longer than I had planned without making arrangements.

More than two years later, I still appreciate being able to linger over lunch with friends, attend a sporting event without watching the time and make plans on the fly.

A Definition of Success

Leave a reply

My definition of success has evolved as I have navigated life but watching the kids launch has refined it even more.

Me as a kid: “Success = a good job (lots of money)”.

Me with a good but stressful job: “Success = freedom”.

Me home with the kids after quitting my good job: “Success = raising successful kids”.

Me as the kids have become more independent: “Success = freedom + learning new stuff (growth)”.

Me as a caregiver: “Success = not dropping too many balls”.

Me with a part-time legal gig, projects and properties to manage, parents to help, a healthy husband (walking on two legs) who loves what he does and kids who are doing all different things but seem to be moving forward thoughtfully: “Success = freedom + growth + fun”.

 

The Perfect Day

Have you ever taken time to imagine your perfect day?

I mean THE PERFECT DAY from the time your eyes open until the time your eyes close at the end of the day.

Not necessarily in the context of your current situation, if it could go ANY WAY YOU WANT.

If, for example, you hate your job, a perfect day wouldn’t be a great day at work but maybe no work at all or killing it at the perfect work environment.

It seems like an unproductive exercise but taking the time to write down or think about a perfect day from beginning to end might unlock something simple that you could add to your day to make it better.

The Life Changing Magic of Appreciation

Leave a reply

Gratitude gets a lot of air time and rightfully so. There’s plenty of research and anecdotal evidence that spending a few minutes thinking about something you’re grateful for every day results in tangible benefits.

Shawn Achor lists gratitude among 5 or 6 other “happiness hacks” in the “Happiness Advantage“, (one of my favorite books, btw). Studies show that gratitude heightens well-being across several outcome measures including positive affect, emotional, interpersonal and physical. Another study showed that writing just three letters of gratitude over a three week period increased happiness and life satisfaction and decreased symptoms of depression.

Gratitude is great but includes an element of having overcome an obstacle or avoided something unpleasant.

“Appreciation”, in my mind, removes the baggage and feels a little bit lighter.

I might feel grateful that the sun is shining but it feels like I’m actually glad that didn’t rain or isn’t cloudy.

Appreciating the sunshine feels slightly different and easier to collect other things to appreciate.

Either practice primes your brain to notice more things throughout your day to feel good about which leads to more. I prefer that momentum over a negative spiral any day.

 

Photo of Phillips kids on the award podium at Hershey Racquet Club

Let’s Talk About Parent Attendance Awards

Leave a reply

A friend recently posted this article on her timeline: “Why Parents Should Go To All Their Kids’ Games“. (this SEO-friendly title is different than the actual title of the article but let’s pretend because I do think there’s a societal expectation that puts parents in the seats or in the concession stand for every competition, performance, etc.)

I don’t have any judgment about parents who make this a priority. I just don’t agree with the premise.

Attending every game doesn’t make you a great parent. Not attending every game doesn’t make you a bad parent.

I have a problem with “should” and “all”.

I could start listing all the reasons why I disagree…..

“What about families with multiple children in multiple activities?”, etc. …..

I don’t think a person should feel the need to have reasons not to attend.

Go if you want. Don’t go if you don’t want. It’s all good. Your kid will be fine. I promise.

When Your Kid Gets Recognized

Leave a reply

Someone who isn’t yet but plans to be a parent asked me if I had any parenting tips .

The initial context was general (something along the lines of “your kids seemed to have turned out well”) and then was specific (“________________ is awesome”)*.

When the question was broad, I couldn’t answer. It depends on the topic and age of the kid (sleeping, discipline, helping out, getting along, reading, driving, snoozing, working). The question was sort of impossible to answer without context.

When he attempted to narrow the question and said (“_____________ is awesome”), the answer was easy.

“I don’t take credit for their accomplishments or blame for their mistakes“.**

It’s not always easy but I really try not to.

* Someone has said this about each of the kids at different times for different reasons so it’s totally appropriate not to single one out because it doesn’t matter who it is or the circumstances, I still stick by my answer.

** This doesn’t apply to neglect, abuse, extreme indulgence, or other kinds of parenting polarity.

Still Being Home

Leave a reply

When I started this blog in 2010, I was knee deep in homeschooling (happily), had no idea I would become a caregiver for more than 3 years (not including Mark's injury) but I had an idea that I would try my best not to return to a traditional practice of law or work outside the home. (Though, I was always willing if circumstances demanded it).

In the 18 years that I've been out of the work force, I have learned a lot about digital tools, non-legal writing and my tolerance for the rat race (zero). 

In Pennsylvania, licensed attorneys can jump in and out of "active" status every three years. One year "active" which means you just pay the licensing fee and get 12 continuing ed credits. Three years "inactive" which requires a lower annual fee.

I have jumped in and out of active status for 18 years. I didn't think I wanted to return to active practice (at least not full time litigation) but I always wanted to be able to fall back on my legal education and credentials in case of an emergency.

Also, I have a practical desire to learn some simple estate planning and procedure to be able to help family and friends.

A former boss at the big firm where I worked before Hannah was born and for whom I did some contract work has asked throughout the years whether I was ready to return to the legal world. 

I wasn't interested while the kids were home or while I was caring for my aunt. I had plenty on my plate and didn't want to add work stress and deadlines to it. I wasn't sure I was interested in the topic, either. I just couldn't picture myself getting back into it.

When he mentioned it again in September 2017, I was surprised that I was not only interested but excited about the opportunity. 

I knew the offer was for part-time work from home doing research and writing. All of which suited me perfectly. 

The aunt I had been caring for passed away in August. I'm ready for a cognitive challenge (it's also scary) and something to anchor my days and weeks. It will be nice to earn some extra income again with the flexibility to control the projects I take on. Also, the lawyer I'll be doing work for has no obligation to provide a minimum number of hours or projects. It's a win-win that I'm really excited about.

In some ways, the work I used to do has probably become easier with technology and digitization of pleadings, briefs, case law and discovery. For example, I used to physically pore over depositions looking for the exact line and page that a witness made a statement. That sort of thing is searchable now.

Shepardizing (the process of determining whether a case is still good law) was manual and cumbersome when I practiced. Technology made it a little easier but certain resources weren't digitized. Now you literally click a button.

Once I relearn some basics (like the terms of my area of practice) and dust off the brain cobwebs, I should be good. 

Either way, I'm truly happy I'm still "Being Home".


The B.S. of Paying Your Dues

Paying Your Dues

Leave a reply

The idea of a young person having to “pay their dues” didn’t offend me when I was a young person.

Like school, taxes and a mother-in-law that I could never please, I not only accepted the idea, I believed it. Now I’m calling bullshit on that cliché.

When Hannah discovered two months into an apprenticeship with her Praxis business partner that she isn’t built for 9-5 behind a desk,  she decided to leave 7 months early. A few people threw out the phrase. “She’s gotta pay her dues“.

I nodded my head on the outside and shook it violently on the inside.

I’ve been watching Hannah navigate the minefield of other people’s expectations and vague ideas of how to become successful.

So many of those same people invested 30+ years at a job they hate or have dreams that they’ll never pursue. They paid their dues, alright, but most are still paying in the form of dreams that died, relationships that were ruined or health and wellness.

James Altucher recently tweeted this:

What image comes to mind when you think about “paying your dues”?

Long hours, low pay, shit assignments, other people taking credit for your work and years at one place in order to climb up a ladder that you shouldn’t have been on in the first place.

That model doesn’t apply anymore. A traditional path doesn’t even guarantee a job, let alone a lifelong career with a pension.

I’m not sure paying dues according to someone else’s expectations makes sense anymore. Sure, put in your time at a low-paying job or do the grunt work if you’ll come out on the other end with transferrable skills.

When you stop learning or the work isn’t challenging, it’s probably time to move on. Decide for yourself when the dues have been paid.

Hannah launched a company this week. She most definitely paid her dues (and will continue to pay them)…into her own escrow account.

She built a reputation and a relationship with her new business partner that made an impression so he invited her to help him build a company.

I guess that’s the difference. Dues are unavoidable but should be deposited in the right place.

Model Health Show with Shawn Stevenson Alzheimer's

Protect Your Brain From Alzheimer’s and Other Dysfunction

2 Replies

I discovered "The Model Health Show" hosted by Shawn Stevenson after I heard him interviewed about his own health journey on another podcast.

Stevenson is knowledgeable and dives deep into the science of common health issues to inform people and encourage them to make health (and sleep) a priority.

Dementia is an issue that's personal to so many of us. My aunt was never formally diagnosed but I experienced the fallout and devastation of her brain dysfunction first-hand. I have no doubt that certain areas of her brain were damaged by plaque, stroke, chemo or something. 

I had never heard about a possible connection between Alzheimer's and insulin resistance. Could Type II diabetes have contributed or caused my aunt's problem?

Dr. Steven Masley makes a convincing case for it in this episode and offers suggestions to minimize, reverse or prevent the condition.

The interview alone is eye-opening and convincing but I'm anxious to read his book, The Better Brain Solution, available today (Jan 2, 2018). 

I'll let you know what I think of the book.

I have a few go-to podcasts that I love. I gravitate toward the topics of business, creativity, productivity, human behavior, brain stuff, personal development, technology, self-care and writing. If you have any suggestions for episodes or shows that fit those categories or something else interesting , I'd love to hear about them.