Tag Archives: parenting

I’m Not That Parent

I remember a conversation Mark and I had about how so many of the parents of the kids he teaches have really high standards for their kids academically, athletically and in general as in those kids are going to be surgeons, CEOs or software engineers (or all three and more).

The conversation was going down the road of us having higher standards for our kids but I didn’t agree. How can I demand more from my kids than I did for myself?

I never strived for perfection or the highest or the best in any area, I’m just not wired that way. Mark has the highest standards for knowing and teaching tennis but not for other things.

“Good enough” is kind of our standard for almost every other area. Sometimes I wish I were different but I’m not.

The parents to which Mark was referring are surgeons and CEOs and software engineers (or all three and more). I would be unnatural for us to demand excellence of our children in anything but kindness and consideration of others.

Motivation, in my opinion, is innate. A person has to figure out for himself what lights him up. If one of the kids wants to be the best at something, they’ll work towards that distinction to his satisfaction.

External rewards (in this case, our approval) work temporarily but studies show that they are short-lived. When the reward is no longer attached to the desired outcome, the desired outcome decreases or disappears. That makes sense to me.

I’m proud of the people my kids are growing into but I’m more happy for them that they’re figuring out what lights them up and having fun with success in those endeavors. They know that they’ll make mistakes or have to change plans but that’s fine, too.

P.S. I admire parents who have enjoyed excellence from their own efforts and inspire (maybe demand) the same in their own children. Different isn’t better or worse, just something I think about and tried to put into words here.

Appreciating the Ability To Be Spontaneous

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When my 3+ years of caring for my aunt came to an end, the thing I appreciated most was the ability to be spontaneous.

Spontaneity is nearly impossible (even for a quick trip to the grocery store) when you’re caring for someone with dementia.

Two weeks after my aunt passed away, Luke started his freshman year at college. Taking him shopping for dorm stuff and school supplies felt like a luxury. The day he moved in, I had time to help him get his room ready, hang around while he hit with a teammate and then drive him to another teammate’s home club where he was going to hit again then spend the night.

It was so nice to stay for 2-3 hours longer than I had planned without making arrangements.

More than two years later, I still appreciate being able to linger over lunch with friends, attend a sporting event without watching the time and make plans on the fly.

A Definition of Success

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My definition of success has evolved as I have navigated life but watching the kids launch has refined it even more.

Me as a kid: “Success = a good job (lots of money)”.

Me with a good but stressful job: “Success = freedom”.

Me home with the kids after quitting my good job: “Success = raising successful kids”.

Me as the kids have become more independent: “Success = freedom + learning new stuff (growth)”.

Me as a caregiver: “Success = not dropping too many balls”.

Me with a part-time legal gig, projects and properties to manage, parents to help, a healthy husband (walking on two legs) who loves what he does and kids who are doing all different things but seem to be moving forward thoughtfully: “Success = freedom + growth + fun”.

Let’s Talk About Parent Attendance Awards

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A friend recently posted this article on her timeline: “Why Parents Should Go To All Their Kids’ Games“. (this SEO-friendly title is different than the actual title of the article but let’s pretend because I do think there’s a societal expectation that puts parents in the seats or in the concession stand for every competition, performance, etc.)

I don’t have any judgment about parents who make this a priority. I just don’t agree with the premise.

Attending every game doesn’t make you a great parent. Not attending every game doesn’t make you a bad parent.

I have a problem with “should” and “all”.

I could start listing all the reasons why I disagree…..

“What about families with multiple children in multiple activities?”, etc. …..

I don’t think a person should feel the need to have reasons not to attend.

Go if you want. Don’t go if you don’t want. It’s all good. Your kid will be fine. I promise.

Being Home….for Teenagers

This is pretty much me and one of the girls every afternoon after school. PC: Greg Raines: Unsplash

I’m not sure why but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how it might be as important to be home with teenagers as it is with toddlers. I’ve always heard this but didn’t really believe or get it until now since I’m in it.

When I worked at a big firm before I had my own kids, I had a conversation with a partner whose wife had recently quit her demanding job in law (voluntarily) to stay home. He was shocked at how it changed his own lifestyle and made everything easier at work and at home-especially raising their two teenagers. He tried to explain but had a tough time articulating it himself. Maybe he was trying to avoid sounding too giddy about enjoying this traditional turn of events.

In my own family of 4 kids aged 13-18, it surprises me that some of the kids miss me if I’m not here when they get home from school (obviously I don’t homeschool anymore). They don’t whine about it, they just notice it followed by the “where r u?” text. Also, they don’t usually need me to do anything for them, they just notice #where’smummy? #shemusthavebeenkidnapped #theresnothingtoeat!

Being home when the kids are here keeps me informed naturally and without much questioning about what’s going on with them. Sometimes, they spontaneously tell me about their day directly. More often, I just happen to be around when they’re talking to each other about things that go on at school (one benefit of having a bunch of kids in the same building).

Sure, sometimes these conversations expose my naivete when it comes to most things teen-agery but the kids just laugh and are pretty tolerant of my butting-in.

I also think the consistent contact keeps us in fairly regular communication about major and minor things. Do you have any idea how uncommunicative teenage boys are? Luke’s tolerance for long, administrative conversations is pretty low so it’s best to tic things off the “list of things to remember to talk to Luke about” as they come up which is easier because I’m almost always here when he is. He’s growing out of his curmudgeonliness but neither of us wants to schedule a summit to discuss mundane issues, basic needs or minor calendar matters. My generally-consistent presence at home keeps those at a minimum.

I’m sure the kids don’t tell me everything but they do share a lot with me. I think it’s as much a function of habit as anything else. No question we chat about nonsense more than we talk about things that matter but I think the point is we’re in the habit of talking.

Before anyone takes this the wrong way (I’m acting like anyone reads my boring blog), I’m not suggesting that working parents don’t know or talk to their kids. I’m also not suggesting that I’m a better parent than anyone else because I don’t work outside the home. I’m just making an observation about my experience and something I appreciate about being home with teenagers.

Don’t Listen To Your Parents!

Olaniyi Sobomehin from Imnotyou.com

You might be surprised that a middle-aged mother of 4 teenagers completely agrees with this advice by Niyi Sobo, former running back for the New Orleans Saints, who trains elite young athletes to dominate their sport.

Before you get all up in arms….of course, he doesn’t mean kids should disobey their parents or disregard their rules and values.

He’s suggesting that most people surrounding a young athlete trying to reach the highest level of his sport haven’t been there. Or worse, people-even coaches- inadvertently discourage and limit an athlete’s potential by being “honest” (“you’re not big, fast, strong, skilled, smart enough“).

Let’s face it, most coaches are barely qualified to coach a sport. Many programs rely on parent volunteers or choose a coach based on availability only. Others in travel programs know how to run a business but may not have the expertise to help a kid develop all the components required to compete at the highest level (conditioning, mental, emotional, logistical, strength, etc.)

When I told Mark (my husband and Luke’s tennis coach) that I agree with this, even as it relates to Luke’s goals for tennis, naturally he was offended because he misunderstood the statement.

Mark definitely has the expertise to train Luke technically and strategically to continue to improve his tennis game no matter how far he goes.

Even Mark had to admit that neither of us has navigated the path of national tennis tournaments to where it might lead Luke. Mark excelled in D-3 tennis but that’s not the same as D-1. Plus, the landscape has changed so much in the past 30 years, our experience in college recruiting, admissions, even visiting is hardly relevant. Moreover, while Mark emphasizes the importance of conditioning, nutrition, visualization, discipline and internal motivation to all of his students, none of those is his area of expertise.

So, what should we do? Mark will still coach Luke but we also have to keep an eye out for (or stalk) people who HAVE been there and hope that they’re willing to mentor Luke.

In addition to some one-on-one coaching, we’ll be checking out a course that Niyi Sobo’s creating to expose young athletes all over the world to his principals and method of goal-setting, discipline and visualization to get results. (I’m not training for anything, but I’m interested in learning this stuff, myself)

Other than that, I’ll just keep buying cereal, enjoy watching Luke play and make him mow the lawn every now and again.