Category Archives: Family and Friends

Dark and Quiet-Glad I’m Home

election 2016 aftershock

I’m stunned but not surprised if that makes sense. When some were so sure that there was NO WAY IN HELL that Trump could possibly be the next president, I worried that there WAS A WAY in this country.

I feared what some wouldn’t admit out loud but would freely express in the privacy of the voting booth.

When the no-brainer, game-overs were not ending Trump’s game, I knew it could be possible. But I’m still in shock.

Here we are. Thoughtful people are wondering what they can do.

My son, who voted for the first time and who might have written in Harambe had the GOP selected a human, asked a few times last night, “What are we supposed to do?”

Truth is, I don’t know. I have no idea how to convince my friends who are truly and systemically invisible under a Trump presidency (you know, minorities, non-Christians, women, girls, immigrants, the poor, the jobless, sane people) that this country or the world is safe.

I don’t feel safe.

But here’s what I plan to do in the next few days:

Besides medicating myself with all the leftover Halloween candy in the house and praying the Rosary incessantly (there is palpable calm and peace there), I’ll be….

Keeping the TV off. I’ve had enough of the chaotic ratings-chasing, soap-selling, vertigo-inducing “news” media that helped create this mess. Clearly, the talking heads and experts don’t know any more than I do. They did not see this coming.

I don’t care how it happened. It happened. I’m filtering and censoring what plays in the public spaces in my home. It’s not informative and it’s not entertaining.

Second, I’ll do my best to encourage civility in the family. We are all on edge and stressed about this terrifying  and depressing turn of events. Last night found us snapping at each other.

election night tweet

Exhibit A

I’ll try to be positive and calm and see if that rubs off. I’m hoping my kids (or Jodie) will make me laugh about something. See exhibit A, above.

Third. I’m declining to engage about this topic in the next few days, except to the extent that my kids need to talk about it to calm their own anxiety.

Outside of my family, no offense. I can’t talk about it. It’s too depressing. But really, what is there to say? Most people I know are reasonable and we all feel the same so do we really have to pontificate? No.

It sounds selfish and maybe it is but I need to regroup. It’s my way of staying out of the soup of despair. Total self-preservation move. Eventually, I’ll reengage but I’ll wait for the aftershocks to settle.

Finally, I’ll encourage my kids to double down on their gifts and interests and not to rely on gatekeepers, institutions or conventions to move them forward.

Two political parties were disrupted last night (though, if you read this prophetic piece by Naval Ravikant, it was really one). Get used to disruption and maybe take Jay Samit’s advice.

It’s time for me to go dark and quiet for a while. #blessup.

That Was Easy (Update on the College Visit)

 

CSU-vikingI mentioned last week that Luke went on his first college visit.

He liked everything about the weekend, including the tennis coach, the other players, the team’s prospects for winning the conference in the next few years, the campus and the brand new, indoor tennis facility a few blocks from the dorm.

Bonus for us is that it’s only a couple of hours away which will give us an opportunity to see some matches. YAY!

If the athletic + academic scholarship offer stays the same, I feel comfortable with the finances. He’ll probably have to borrow some but he can offset or eliminate that by brainstorming and saving a bunch of money. I’m not expecting grants but you never know. He might bring his SAT score up enough to qualify for another $1500 per year. Every little bit helps.

It’s great to have the search process behind him and there are definitely perks to being recruited (admission, priority for classes, job at the tennis center, etc.). Luke’s ready to focus and now he has something to work toward.

In the next post, I’ll tell you what he’s doing to bring his SAT score up.

Opting Out of the Awful School Pictures

 

school-pictures

4th grade me with my Dorothy Hammill haircut

I’ve had it. I used to feel guilty that my kids didn’t have school pictures since they were homeschooled.

This year, I’m opting out.

I’ve purchased a “package” for each of the kids for each of the years that they have been in school. I never display them. I rarely share them. They sit in the cellophane window envelope in a drawer somewhere.

To be perfectly honest, none of them are any good. Not one school picture actually looks like the kid in it. Bad smile, pasty face, awkward angle. They are just bad.

The photo packages are too expensive and they’re purposely designed to NOT include the sizes you might want.

I thought Mark would be offended that I didn’t want to buy them this year but then forgot that he’s a boy and doesn’t care about stuff like that. I knew Kate wouldn’t care. The only year she let me buy photos, she wouldn’t let me see them. She wasn’t interested in doubling down on her humiliation by getting the “retake”.

 

 

 

 

 

In Sickness & In Health

wedding

So, Mark and I are celebrating our 23rd anniversary today. Just shy of 3 weeks after his physical catastrophe.

I’m not an overly emotional or sentimental person but I clearly remember my voice cracking only once during our vows…”in sickness and in health”. In an instant, I was overwhelmed by the thought of him being sick and vulnerable.

He’s had some minor surgeries (that dual hernia operation just before our 10th anniversary wasn’t too fun) but nothing as challenging as this.

The thing is, as challenging as this is physically, emotionally and probably financially, I know it isn’t even close to the worst that can happen to a couple. Not even close.

So I’m thankful that we work well together because just about everything he does, we do together. I’m thankful that we enjoy each other’s company (as long as he doesn’t try to tell jokes). I’m thankful that we trust each other to get through this. And yes, I’m thankful that we love and trust each other and even on our worst days, there still isn’t anyone I would rather spend time with (no offense to my children, who come second in that category).

I don’t feel all that much different than that day 23 years ago. Marrying Mark felt like the rightest, most natural thing. Helping him do just about everything feels just as right and natural (though, I have to keep reminding him the kids can fetch the this or the that when they’re here).

Happy Anniversary. Oh and Happy Birthday to Luke who was our 5th anniversary gift!

Curing Heartburn Naturally

30-day-heartburn-solution-craig-fear

Kate has suffered from chronic, sometimes unbearable, heartburn for nearly 3 years. I’m guessing the sudden onset was hormonal and chemical. As my most adventurous eater, it’s been depressing for both of us.

I talked to her pediatrician about trying to alleviate symptoms with food. When I mentioned avoiding gluten as an experiment, she dismissed that with a speech about gluten-free being a popular fad and how gluten-free only helps people with Chron’s disease or IBS. And anyway, even a trace of gluten in the manufacturing process could trigger symptoms in the truly allergic. In short, the doc discouraged us from trying this. She rattled off the typical list of trigger foods (spicy, tomotoes, carbonated beverages-Kate doesn’t drink those, etc.) and suggested that Kate avoid those. Since Kate was down to eating eggs, potatoes and antacids and still was experiencing symptoms, the pediatrician agreed to order some tests.

Kate was scoped (no evidence of damage or distress), poked, prescribed Nexium, Zantac supplemented with Gaviscon and Tums and tried to manage as best she could for the next 2 years.

A friend told me that her teenage daughter noticed improvement in her heartburn symptoms after going gluten-free so it sparked my interest in that route again.

I turned to Amazon and found “The 30 Day Heartburn Solution” by Craig Fear. The reviews were encouraging. (I’ve never seen a book on Amazon with no 1 or 2 star reviews). Most reviews are from long-time heartburn and acid reflux sufferers who were pain-free after implementing the plan laid out in the book. Craig Fear wrote the book after curing his own chronic heartburn.

Fear designed an incremental plan to stop acid reflux through nutrition, basically avoiding the typical Western diet. It’s well-researched and explains why antacids (prescribed and OTC) contribute to the problem and are problematic long-term. The book is well-organized and thorough and lists all the foods you can eat under the plan. Approved foods include meats, dairy (if tolerated), eggs, nuts and seeds, vegetables and fruit and berries less frequently.

Kate noticed significant improvement just a couple of days into the plan. The first 2 weeks of the plan calls for eliminating all grains. Her willingness to try new foods in order to keep from feeling like a starved rabbit helped her get through the first couple of weeks.

After two weeks of grain-free, you can reintroduce non-gluten grains (corn, rice, oats, etc.). During this stage, you’re also encouraged to eat cultured and fermented foods to restore the natural acidity and health of the digestive system.

Cultured foods without added sugar are hard to find (sugar can be inflammatory and throw off the ph balance of the gut). Fermented foods in the grocery store (sauerkraut and pickled things) are packaged under high heat (which kills most of the beneficial bacteria). I found a simple recipe for sauerkraut that’s delicious and plan to try some other fermented vegetables. The cultured foods are a little trickier but we’ll track some down.

It’s hard to tell whether sticking to the plan 100% for a while would completely cure Kate (restore her digestive tract to allow her to enjoy any food any time~or even problematic foods occassionally without suffering). At her age, I feel like she’s old enough to decide whether to eat a certain food and suffer the consequences. Even when she eats a food that triggers symptoms, they are milder and short-lived.

One thing I learned is that we automatically blamed foods like spaghetti, pizza and tacos on the tomatoes or spice for Kate’s heartburn after eating them. There’s as good a chance that the culprit was the noodles or flour tortilla in those cases. Since some form of grain (usually gluten) is a part of nearly every meal, and in our mind, those foods are bland when served plain, I never considered that they were causing the problem.

One unexpected benefit that I noticed after Kate was on the plan for a couple of months was a decrease in the severity of PMS symptoms. When I pointed it out, she thought so too.

I highly recommend “The 30 Day Heartburn Solution” if you or someone you know suffers from chronic heartburn or acid reflux disease. It’s worth a try.

 

Notice: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase through a link, I receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. Thanks for supporting the blog and I hope the book helps.

 

Summer Jobs and Boot Camp

Breakfast-in-PPG-Plaza

Photo credit: Kate Phillips

How’s your summer going? Mine has been SLOW so far and I love it.

I’m enjoying a much-needed respite from caregiving (s/o to my mom).

Hannah and Luke are both working. I thought that would be challenging with the car situation but it’s worked out for the most part and I can always borrow my mom’s car if I need to.

Mark and I almost bought a granny car (Toyota with 50,000 miles in pristine condition for $4,000-but didn’t scoop it up in time). I always wanted a granny car.

Kate signed up for a week-long acting boot camp. Five days, downtown from 9-4. She’s taking the bus every day so it’s like a job. She and I took a ride on the bus the day before her class started so I could show her where to catch it to get home.

As much as I would love Hannah to take a bus to the restaurant once in a while just to get familiar with it, so far she hasn’t had to. It’s a valuable skill but Kate will likely be the only one of my kids who regularly takes public transportation before she flies the coop. She has no interest in driving yet so she’ll need public transportation.

Sometimes I daydream about how autonomous cars would have been great for activities a few years ago. Shuttling for the better part of an afternoon has been my least favorite thing about parenting. Now that Hannah and Luke can drive themselves, I’ve been relieved of it a little but then you have the worry. I’m not an excessive worrier but am always grateful when everyone is home safe. That was a random aside, but this is my blog and nobody reads it, so whatever.

Back to Kate and the boot camp. I knew she would like it and learn a lot but I also knew that it would be tiring. She’s pretty wiped out at the end of the day. It’s just a little longer than school but I think being in summer mode has a little to do with it. It makes me wonder how she and Hannah survived the long days at the charter school. The commute was 3 hours round trip. They left the house before 7 and didn’t get home until after 5.

I know some kids love going to activity summer camps but they never appealed to me for my kids. I guess the break would have been nice but I couldn’t imagine the kids being anywhere all day long in the summer-even for a week. I just pictured them being sweaty and tired all day and exhausted when they got home so I never even asked whether they wanted to do it.

It’s different for Kate. She’s old enough to handle it and I completely left it up to her whether she wanted to do it. I think she’s glad she did and next week she can get back to being bored. She’s trying to get a job but so far no luck. I’m surprised that so many mall stores won’t hire kids younger than 18. When did that happen?

Hannah Graduated!

So, this happened last week…..

Hannah Phillips graduate

Here’s another because I love flying mortar boards………

carlynton-commencement-2016

Hannah has been ready to graduate forever. Senioritis kicked in somewhere in the middle of her junior year. She had a great senior year, though. She met some great kids and teachers and in the background created some super cool opportunities for herself.

By April she had 4 jobs in addition to her own business. Including teaching tennis to little kids, waiting tables at a local restaurant, working the desk at municipal tennis courts and got herself on the media team of the Pittsburgh Thunderbirds, a local semi-pro ultimate disc (frisbee) team. The kid just finds opportunities and goes after them.

Some cool opportunities find her, too. She helped a local podcaster video his interview of the mayor last week (the podcaster guy plays for the Thunderbirds-see how things happen?). She’s doing design work for another guy who started a snapchat geo filter business, she’s painting murals for other local businesses and she’ll be apprenticing the CEO at a marketing/ad agency in the city.

Funny, while she was in school and before she had 5 jobs, she would nap as soon as she walked in the door after school and as much as possible on weekends. When she had all those jobs (she’s not teaching tennis in the summer and she has limited her shifts at the tennis center) she hardly ever napped. Partly because she had less time but also because the work gave her energy. Now that she’s out of school and her work schedule is less hectic, she hardly ever naps. School drained her energy and not in that good, constructive way.

I thought I would feel a tiny bit sad or nostalgic that Hannah isn’t heading off to college in the fall, but truthfully, I’m relieved. I loved my college experience but things are so different now. The “college experience” is too expensive, course work isn’t leading to jobs and the higher risk of being assaulted on a college campus compared to working in the real world is pretty terrifying.

I’m actually looking forward to standing back and watching what Hannah makes happen in the next year. She’s anxious to live on her own and I have no doubt that she could do that sooner than later if she gets organized.

I had a few interesting conversations at a graduation party for my neighbor this weekend. Two young professionals I spoke to admit that they wish they had gone to community college for two years instead of a four year college because of the debt. The graduate’s sister just earned her bachelor’s in Marketing and can’t find a job. Funny, Hannah will be working at a marketing agency in September, apprenticing the CEO without a degree and the debt that comes with it. My point is, I couldn’t be more content with Hannah’s future plans and the opportunities she’s taking advantage of because she’s NOT committed to a college.

The Day Kate Escaped from School

Escape from high school

I got a phone call today from the high school “attendance coordinator” (truant officer). Turns out Kate busted out of the big house, Hannah was her accomplice.

Rather than suffer through two study halls at the end of the day, Hannah gets out early about 3 days a week on “work release” (even that sounds like a prison term). Kate texted me around lunch to ask if she could come home with Hannah because she wasn’t feeling well. Due to whatever miscommunication, Kate just signed out and left with Hannah. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Mrs. C was at the window and turned her back for a minute and they walked out. Kate thought she had official permission, Hannah thought Kate had permission so that’s how it happened. Mrs. C was pretty exasperated when she called me. I told her it was just a miscommunication. I couldn’t resist telling Mrs. C that Kate ESCAPED! That lightened her up a bit. She’ll still probably stick it to Kate tomorrow somehow.

These homeschooled kids don’t know how to follow rules!” No, they just don’t know what the rules are.

On another note, it’s so funny that Hannah needs excuses (for illness and lateness) and permission from the school (to leave anytime she wants) now that she’s 18.

Being Home….for Teenagers

two girls chatting on a car

This is pretty much me and one of the girls every afternoon after school. PC: Greg Raines: Unsplash

I’m not sure why but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how it might be as important to be home with teenagers as it is with toddlers. I’ve always heard this but didn’t really believe or get it until now since I’m in it.

When I worked at a big firm before I had my own kids, I had a conversation with a partner whose wife had recently quit her demanding job in law (voluntarily) to stay home. He was shocked at how it changed his own lifestyle and made everything easier at work and at home-especially raising their two teenagers. He tried to explain but had a tough time articulating it himself. Maybe he was trying to avoid sounding too giddy about enjoying this traditional turn of events.

In my own family of 4 kids aged 13-18, it surprises me that some of the kids miss me if I’m not here when they get home from school (obviously I don’t homeschool anymore). They don’t whine about it, they just notice it followed by the “where r u?” text.  Also, they don’t usually need me to do anything for them, they just notice #where’smummy? #shemusthavebeenkidnapped #theresnothingtoeat!

Being home when the kids are here keeps me informed naturally and without much questioning about what’s going on with them. Sometimes, they spontaneously tell me about their day directly. More often, I just happen to be around when they’re talking to each other about things that go on at school (one benefit of having a bunch of kids in the same building).

Sure, sometimes these conversations expose my naivete when it comes to most things teen-agery but the kids just laugh and are pretty tolerant of my butting-in.

I also think the consistent contact keeps us in fairly regular communication about major and minor things. Do you have any idea how uncommunicative teenage boys are? Luke’s tolerance for long, administrative conversations is pretty low so it’s best to tic things off the “list of things to remember to talk to Luke about” as they come up which is easier because I’m almost always here when he is. He’s growing out of his curmudgeonliness but neither of us wants to schedule a summit to discuss mundane issues, basic needs or minor calendar matters. My generally-consistent presence at home keeps those at a minimum.

I’m sure the kids don’t tell me everything but they do share a lot with me.  I think it’s as much a function of habit as anything else. No question we chat about nonsense more than we talk about things that matter but I think the point is we’re in the habit of talking.

Before anyone takes this the wrong way (I’m acting like anyone reads my boring blog), I’m not suggesting that working parents don’t know or talk to their kids. I’m also not suggesting that I’m a better parent than anyone else because I don’t work outside the home. I’m just making an observation about my experience and something I appreciate about being home with teenagers.

These Kids!

Hannah Phillips media discusses creating a business out of nothing

I’m in NJ today with Luke. He’s playing in one of two last tennis tournaments of the year before he resumes his basketball career. He’s not giving up tennis just training less to have some fun with basketball (hopefully).

In my absence, Hannah presented a mini workshop at our local library.

For almost a year now, Hannah and I have both been fired up about legitimate alternatives to college and why high schools don’t help students explore them.

Hannah isn’t planning to go to college. Instead, she’s looking forward to focusing full-time on her media business. If she hits a wall because she doesn’t have a degree, then she’ll get one.

I’ll probably write about that whole decision and how people react to it a different time.

Today I wanted to write about how she co-presented a mini workshop at our local library last night for students and parents about things they can do to earn money.

I was originally supposed to present, too but had to take Luke instead. It sounds like she did a much better job than I would have.